Monday, January 31, 2011
Dissappointment
I got the e-mail today from H.R. that I was no longer being considered for the position that caused me so much anxiety last week. It was so much up and down and up and down but dear reader at the end of my second interview I was so sure I had that job. I was supposed to have recieved a call before the e-mail but apparently I don't rank a phone call before a negative e-mail. I am just so defeated right now. I didn't realize how much I wanted that job until after I met with the Dean and now, well now i'm sitting at my desk trying as hard as possible to keep from crying. I am trying very hard to stay positive but it's a rather huge blow. My family really could have used that extra money and I really need to be challenged. I'm so bored at this current job and I feel so underappreciated. I'm so upset and really I guess I should be reminding myself that the Lord has something better in store for me but quite frankly I don't much care right now what he has in store. That job would have been the answer to a lot of our families financial woes and worries and I can't seem to care if something better is lined up down the road.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
roller coaster week
This week has been on heck of a roller coaster. First we went to the bank to get a loan for a new car. I found out my credit is way better than my husbands but also found out that a cheap car payment is 275 dollars a month!! At this point that is just not something I can sign off on so disheartened we left. Then a friend of mine Elizabeth has a dad that fixes and sells cars and he had a five speed saturn that he would sell to us for 500 dollars..that was a hight point. First I got to drive out and see my friend and secondly we got a car we could actually afford and no car payment. That was a hight point..when we got home that evening I checked my phone messages and found out that I was selected for an interview for a very nice job that I really thought I had no chance of getting...another hight point but now a question..how to make it to this interview without anyone at work finding out that I have it? I know what your asking yourself dear reader and all i can say is there is a ton of politics involved. A tiny bit of back story may help you understand. This is by no means the first upgraded position i've applied for. I have, upon further review, applied for no less than 30 positions with the college in the last five years that i've held my position in this particular office. All of those positions I was more than qualified for and I recieved not one invitation to interview for any of them. At first I believed it was a "who you know" not what you know thing until a coworker of mine clued me into a little story. It was at that point that I began to suspect that my supervisor was conspiring against me to keep in the position I was in. On the suggestion of same coworker I applied for this upgraded position at another campus without my supervisors knowledge and lo and behold I was granted an interview. So you can see where, if not fully understand, where my trepidation came from. I was afraid if I told my supervisor that I had an interview yesterday afternoon she would find a reason to not give me the time. I was nerve wracked for many reasons. First because I had not interviewed for a position for many years, secondly it was during normal work hours, and thirdly I am a completely bad liar. Seriously I have trouble even playing hooky from work because of the guilt involved in calling in..I usually just give up and go in to work because the guilt of trying to come up with an excuse to play hooky is too great. So for all of those reasons I was both elated and terrified of getting that call for the interview. It worked out, by God's plan i'm sure, that my supervisor was off campus at meeting all day yesterday and so I was able to work out a deal with my coworker to take my lunch hour at the end of the day and go to that interview.
I felt like a child stealing from the cookie jar the entire time I was on my way to the Forest Park campus and was nervous just going into the interview. I was not in a good place mentally as i'm sure can all imagine. What followed was the longest half hour of my life and the toughtest interview I've ever sat through. I did my best to be honest and straightforward and just be myself which is hard to do when you are that nervous. My hands were shaking so bad I was afraid they could hear my jewlery clinking together as I sat and shorthanded a memo and then wrote it out as a mock memo to send out to the entire department as a whole. I was very sure I had bombed that interview and so saw not point in notifing my supervisor that there had been anything out of the ordinary.
As I was sitting at my desk enjoying a normal day at the office putting out fires with one crisis student after another my phone rang. I picked it up and asked the person on the other line if they would mind holding as i had another student ahead of them. When I finished with that student i picked up the other line only to realize, thanks to caller i.d., that it was the Dean of the department for which I had interviewed for that I had put on hold!!! Thinking that she was calling to tell me that I did not get the job I started running through my polite responces and thank you for the call only to have her ask if I could meet with her Friday morning at 10 a.m. for a second interview!! I was floored!! All i could think to say was "my supervisor is in a meeting would be all right if I called you back to confirm". Turns out that was the right answer to give as she was impressed that I didn't just ditch my job to go to an interview. She was very polite and we hung up and I sat there giddy with the success of scoring a second interview and plagued with trepidation on what to do now! I had no choice I would have to go in there and explain to my current supervisor that I had gone on an interview for another job yesterday. I tried dear reader honestly I did to work up the courage to go in there and spill the beans..is it my fault that she was in such a bad mood from her meeting? Or that she was pressed for time? I felt terrible for asking for the time off and when it came time to tell her I totally chickened out. I'm not proud of this moment I was weak and scareed that she would tell me no so instead I asked her if I couild take my lunch early tomorrow morning to take care of a personal issue. She seemed upset at first and asked me if it would interfere with the normal operation of the front desk. I told her no. She then asked if any of my coworkers would also be off tomorrow and I told no not at that time. Kelly had an eye doctors appointment but that wasn't till 2:20 in the afternoon. I could tell she didn't want to give me the time or let me move my lunch hour so I sat with baited breath thinking of all the excuses I could use to make this happen when she finally said yes i could go. Keep in mind I didn't tell her i was applying for this job or that this was the second interview or any of those things. I jumped up out of my chair and left as fastas I could before she could change her mind. I was assured by my coworker that this was the best solution and yet I feel plagued with guilt for lying. yes I realize it's not technically a lie but yet it is. it's a lie of omission and that is a lie just the same. I should be sleeping and getting a good nights rest so that I can be my best at this interview tomorrow and yet here I sit with a heavy heart and upest mind unable to do either. I haven't eaten since I got that call and truth to tell I have no appetite.
I have so many worries running through my head..what if they offer me the job and I totally fail at it and they let me go? What if i'm not as prepared for this job as they think I am. What if I get the job only to fail so badly that I make everyone miserable?? The alternative is that I don't get the job and my boss never finds out that I went on that interview and I'm still stuck in that same positoin. A position that is "somewhat" safe because no one really expects a lot from me. A position that has no chance of failure because there's nothing to fail at. A job that while sometimes rewarding is just as frustrating and really doesn't provide my family with the financial stability that we need to truly LIVE and not just survive from month to month. I know I have to face this fear and I know I have to at least try if not for my own sake for the sake of my children so that they can see that even when things are tough and scary and seem too big to tackle God is there to give us Eagle's wings and all we have to do is Trust in Him. I have to be this example to them but dear reader this is one of the hardest things i've had to do as a mother. This is when my actions must speak louder than my words and I must trust the Lord that he has mine and my families best intentions at heart.
Dear reader if I make it through tomorrow unscathed I will be so relieved I may just pass out! I will also be looking forward to the Moms Night In luau as a pressure valve to help ease the ups and downs of this week.
I would ask that you all wish me luck but I don't believe in it..instead I'll ask that Lords will and not mine be done tomorrow.
I felt like a child stealing from the cookie jar the entire time I was on my way to the Forest Park campus and was nervous just going into the interview. I was not in a good place mentally as i'm sure can all imagine. What followed was the longest half hour of my life and the toughtest interview I've ever sat through. I did my best to be honest and straightforward and just be myself which is hard to do when you are that nervous. My hands were shaking so bad I was afraid they could hear my jewlery clinking together as I sat and shorthanded a memo and then wrote it out as a mock memo to send out to the entire department as a whole. I was very sure I had bombed that interview and so saw not point in notifing my supervisor that there had been anything out of the ordinary.
As I was sitting at my desk enjoying a normal day at the office putting out fires with one crisis student after another my phone rang. I picked it up and asked the person on the other line if they would mind holding as i had another student ahead of them. When I finished with that student i picked up the other line only to realize, thanks to caller i.d., that it was the Dean of the department for which I had interviewed for that I had put on hold!!! Thinking that she was calling to tell me that I did not get the job I started running through my polite responces and thank you for the call only to have her ask if I could meet with her Friday morning at 10 a.m. for a second interview!! I was floored!! All i could think to say was "my supervisor is in a meeting would be all right if I called you back to confirm". Turns out that was the right answer to give as she was impressed that I didn't just ditch my job to go to an interview. She was very polite and we hung up and I sat there giddy with the success of scoring a second interview and plagued with trepidation on what to do now! I had no choice I would have to go in there and explain to my current supervisor that I had gone on an interview for another job yesterday. I tried dear reader honestly I did to work up the courage to go in there and spill the beans..is it my fault that she was in such a bad mood from her meeting? Or that she was pressed for time? I felt terrible for asking for the time off and when it came time to tell her I totally chickened out. I'm not proud of this moment I was weak and scareed that she would tell me no so instead I asked her if I couild take my lunch early tomorrow morning to take care of a personal issue. She seemed upset at first and asked me if it would interfere with the normal operation of the front desk. I told her no. She then asked if any of my coworkers would also be off tomorrow and I told no not at that time. Kelly had an eye doctors appointment but that wasn't till 2:20 in the afternoon. I could tell she didn't want to give me the time or let me move my lunch hour so I sat with baited breath thinking of all the excuses I could use to make this happen when she finally said yes i could go. Keep in mind I didn't tell her i was applying for this job or that this was the second interview or any of those things. I jumped up out of my chair and left as fastas I could before she could change her mind. I was assured by my coworker that this was the best solution and yet I feel plagued with guilt for lying. yes I realize it's not technically a lie but yet it is. it's a lie of omission and that is a lie just the same. I should be sleeping and getting a good nights rest so that I can be my best at this interview tomorrow and yet here I sit with a heavy heart and upest mind unable to do either. I haven't eaten since I got that call and truth to tell I have no appetite.
I have so many worries running through my head..what if they offer me the job and I totally fail at it and they let me go? What if i'm not as prepared for this job as they think I am. What if I get the job only to fail so badly that I make everyone miserable?? The alternative is that I don't get the job and my boss never finds out that I went on that interview and I'm still stuck in that same positoin. A position that is "somewhat" safe because no one really expects a lot from me. A position that has no chance of failure because there's nothing to fail at. A job that while sometimes rewarding is just as frustrating and really doesn't provide my family with the financial stability that we need to truly LIVE and not just survive from month to month. I know I have to face this fear and I know I have to at least try if not for my own sake for the sake of my children so that they can see that even when things are tough and scary and seem too big to tackle God is there to give us Eagle's wings and all we have to do is Trust in Him. I have to be this example to them but dear reader this is one of the hardest things i've had to do as a mother. This is when my actions must speak louder than my words and I must trust the Lord that he has mine and my families best intentions at heart.
Dear reader if I make it through tomorrow unscathed I will be so relieved I may just pass out! I will also be looking forward to the Moms Night In luau as a pressure valve to help ease the ups and downs of this week.
I would ask that you all wish me luck but I don't believe in it..instead I'll ask that Lords will and not mine be done tomorrow.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Friday, January 21, 2011
Snow Day Fun!
Ok i don't have fancy pictures to show the before's and afters mostly because i lost the usb cable to my camera :-( I lose cool mom points I know but I figure i'm so far behind in my scrapbooking it probably doesn't matter anyway. Yesterday was the first time i've had a snow day that was actually fun since well forever..lol. Anywayz it was nice to be off during the week and have an excuse to bury my kids in some snow.haha. It was all going good until as they say someone got some in thier face then the water works started. *sigh* so in went Magnus the Great brought low by nap time it was just a matter of time after that before the rest began to fade. Gavin the Mischevious decided that making snow angels was only so so and got outstandingly mad when a little snow was accidentally kicked in face..I have no idea how that happened..teehee. A few minutes more and some frozen tears later and he was stripped of his snow clothes and ushered inside for some much needed warmth and a nap. The die hard snow angel of the bunch Ms.A was reluctant to come inside until she got snow down her pants...this is why sledding is not meant to be done without a sled!! But as always no one listens to the Mama. Enter Ms.A and some hot cocoa and Valentine cookies later and you have a successful day spent romping in the snow. I did get some of it on Flip video and as soon as I figure out how to upload and attach that to my blog we'll be in business..lol.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
End of Year stuff New Year stuff
So last year we left off the Naming with some changes needed. I'm still not entirely happy and I've decided to retire this story until I can get with my writing circle to hammer out some ideas and a stronger time line. I'll probalby keep writing pieces of it here and there as the inspiration comes to me but; and this makes me very sad; my life is becoming very full. I guess I shouldn't say sad so much as stressed. I'm a glass half full kind of person and even my optimism has been stretched pretty thin lately. I'm still optimistic about my families future for this year. There are a lot of good things coming up things that are really huge and if they happen like they are supposed to happen our family will be in a much better situation financially and that kind of peace of mind is priceless!!!
So a recap of the year 2010!
Gavin the Mischevious had his first school friend birthday party in November. It was a real "big boy" milestone for him and I was very pleased and proud of him. We also had our first birthday party with one of our SLM friends at the Whittle Railroad and again Gavin was very excited and pleased to be invited.
Magnus the Great learned how to walk and eventually learned how say Mama..I was thrilled for about three days and then the magic of it all wore off after hearing Mama Mama Mama Mama over and over and over hour after hour. Now he is trying on new words like Dog, and pup pup, as well as Andrea and Gavin. No is his favorite answer to everything and he still loves to eat eat eat. At the close of last year Magnus was 29 inches long and 18lbs even.
Andrea turned 14 on the same day that I turned 32. If your counting that means we're exactly 18 years apart..lol. Andrea is often the daughter of my heart and if she keeps up the dramatic sighs and eye rolling she'll move from being the daughter of my heart to the royal pain in my ass! After having a year of teenage dramatics and hormones I now completely understand homicidal rage and why some species eat thier young. I've been a mother figure to this girl since she was five years old and I have to say the relationship we have now is a complex one. It would take a novel to explain it all. She can infuriate me one minute and then say or do something that shows her vulnerability and i'm instantly transported back to High School and can remember what it was like to be the "new kid". If you're the parent of a teenager just repeat this mantra "this too shall pass and patience is key". It's a challenge having a teenager in the home but at the same time it's a more mature and fun relationship. I do love the exchange of ideas as well as the more in depth conversations her and I get into.
Andrea finished her first semester at Parkway North Middle School with a 3.7 GPA. She was upset about the B's but as I reminded her it could always be worse and a 3.7 is not too shabby. Andrea was also reccommended for Honors English and Honors History at the High School level. We are both very proud of her academically and spiritually she continues to grow into a strong christian woman. She has worked hard to catch up to the rest of the confirmation class and is set to graduate with the rest of the confirmands. this is no small feat as she missed the entire 7th grade year because she was living with her mom in Tennessee. Andrea also chose to be baptised this year and there was not a dry eye in the church.
The new year brings new challenges for Andrea one of which is keeping up her grades at school and of course the continued adjustment from a slacker household to the ship shape one that Phil-do and I run. No judgement on her other mom either different strokes for different folks.
So what's new with Phil-do and I. Well last year was the roughest year we faced as a married couple. There was betrayal, loss of trust, and mucho counseling. We found out that Phil-do has adult ADD, which just means he had ADD all along but they didn't diagnose him till he was an adult, lots of counseling and adjustment of meds later we have a much improved Phil-do. I won't say he's "grown up" any as i'm pretty sure he'll always be a big kid but at least he's not running from responsability anymore and we're communicating and working together in a way we never have before. I can think of better ways to cry out for help other than having an affair but being the glass is half full kind of person that I am i'm just grateful for the improved relationship period. We went from having two kids full time under the age of five to having three kids ages 14, 4, and 1. We still struggle to balance the age gap between them all but i've found we are not the only ones in this boat..lol. The end of last year found us moving from our cramped two bedroom apartment into a spacious three bedroom house :-) complete with basement playroom/extra bathroom/and laundry room!!! Unfortunatly the New Year has found us without a vehicle..booo. I'm having faith that the Lord will provide for us as he always has. When we needed a bigger place to live he provided us with a house not a bigger apartment so i'm faithful that he will provide us with a safe and reliable vehicle for our family's needs. As they say in the bible Praise God from whom all Blessings Flow!!
That's your 2011 update peeps!!
Peace i'm out!
So a recap of the year 2010!
Gavin the Mischevious had his first school friend birthday party in November. It was a real "big boy" milestone for him and I was very pleased and proud of him. We also had our first birthday party with one of our SLM friends at the Whittle Railroad and again Gavin was very excited and pleased to be invited.
Magnus the Great learned how to walk and eventually learned how say Mama..I was thrilled for about three days and then the magic of it all wore off after hearing Mama Mama Mama Mama over and over and over hour after hour. Now he is trying on new words like Dog, and pup pup, as well as Andrea and Gavin. No is his favorite answer to everything and he still loves to eat eat eat. At the close of last year Magnus was 29 inches long and 18lbs even.
Andrea turned 14 on the same day that I turned 32. If your counting that means we're exactly 18 years apart..lol. Andrea is often the daughter of my heart and if she keeps up the dramatic sighs and eye rolling she'll move from being the daughter of my heart to the royal pain in my ass! After having a year of teenage dramatics and hormones I now completely understand homicidal rage and why some species eat thier young. I've been a mother figure to this girl since she was five years old and I have to say the relationship we have now is a complex one. It would take a novel to explain it all. She can infuriate me one minute and then say or do something that shows her vulnerability and i'm instantly transported back to High School and can remember what it was like to be the "new kid". If you're the parent of a teenager just repeat this mantra "this too shall pass and patience is key". It's a challenge having a teenager in the home but at the same time it's a more mature and fun relationship. I do love the exchange of ideas as well as the more in depth conversations her and I get into.
Andrea finished her first semester at Parkway North Middle School with a 3.7 GPA. She was upset about the B's but as I reminded her it could always be worse and a 3.7 is not too shabby. Andrea was also reccommended for Honors English and Honors History at the High School level. We are both very proud of her academically and spiritually she continues to grow into a strong christian woman. She has worked hard to catch up to the rest of the confirmation class and is set to graduate with the rest of the confirmands. this is no small feat as she missed the entire 7th grade year because she was living with her mom in Tennessee. Andrea also chose to be baptised this year and there was not a dry eye in the church.
The new year brings new challenges for Andrea one of which is keeping up her grades at school and of course the continued adjustment from a slacker household to the ship shape one that Phil-do and I run. No judgement on her other mom either different strokes for different folks.
So what's new with Phil-do and I. Well last year was the roughest year we faced as a married couple. There was betrayal, loss of trust, and mucho counseling. We found out that Phil-do has adult ADD, which just means he had ADD all along but they didn't diagnose him till he was an adult, lots of counseling and adjustment of meds later we have a much improved Phil-do. I won't say he's "grown up" any as i'm pretty sure he'll always be a big kid but at least he's not running from responsability anymore and we're communicating and working together in a way we never have before. I can think of better ways to cry out for help other than having an affair but being the glass is half full kind of person that I am i'm just grateful for the improved relationship period. We went from having two kids full time under the age of five to having three kids ages 14, 4, and 1. We still struggle to balance the age gap between them all but i've found we are not the only ones in this boat..lol. The end of last year found us moving from our cramped two bedroom apartment into a spacious three bedroom house :-) complete with basement playroom/extra bathroom/and laundry room!!! Unfortunatly the New Year has found us without a vehicle..booo. I'm having faith that the Lord will provide for us as he always has. When we needed a bigger place to live he provided us with a house not a bigger apartment so i'm faithful that he will provide us with a safe and reliable vehicle for our family's needs. As they say in the bible Praise God from whom all Blessings Flow!!
That's your 2011 update peeps!!
Peace i'm out!
Saturday, January 8, 2011
inspiration
ok i know this won't make much sense but once I get the new story board done it will all tie in. I just need to get this down before I forget the words..lol.
It's time for bed
Lay your head
upon you pillow
soft and round.
snuggle deep
into your covers
sweet and Close your eyes
Tonight.
Dream a dream
let nothing trouble you
Mama's here to soothe
Rest my sweet 'neath the
stars on high
As the Angels keep
Their vigil my sweet.
As the words softly floated out on the night air Magnus could see Lilith's children pushed further back from the keeps door. With eyes rounded in surprise Page looked up to Kindyl and whispered "what in the world?"
"Whoa dude I'd hear about the power of a lullaby against Lilit's Children but i've never seen actually work" Gavin exclaimed.
"Keep singing Kindyl! The rest of you prepare to rush the keeps door our parents and siblings are just beyond" Magnus prepared himself to lead the charge when Page grabbed his arm.
"Are you sure this is such a good idea? maybe we should go in quiet and use a sneak attack?"
Annabeth rolled her eyes in exasperation, "I can't believe all the stories I heard about you being this great warrior. Obviously the sneak attack is out of the question Kindyl's already singing and pushing them back sooo yeah element of surprise is gone Page"!
It's time for bed
Lay your head
upon you pillow
soft and round.
snuggle deep
into your covers
sweet and Close your eyes
Tonight.
Dream a dream
let nothing trouble you
Mama's here to soothe
Rest my sweet 'neath the
stars on high
As the Angels keep
Their vigil my sweet.
As the words softly floated out on the night air Magnus could see Lilith's children pushed further back from the keeps door. With eyes rounded in surprise Page looked up to Kindyl and whispered "what in the world?"
"Whoa dude I'd hear about the power of a lullaby against Lilit's Children but i've never seen actually work" Gavin exclaimed.
"Keep singing Kindyl! The rest of you prepare to rush the keeps door our parents and siblings are just beyond" Magnus prepared himself to lead the charge when Page grabbed his arm.
"Are you sure this is such a good idea? maybe we should go in quiet and use a sneak attack?"
Annabeth rolled her eyes in exasperation, "I can't believe all the stories I heard about you being this great warrior. Obviously the sneak attack is out of the question Kindyl's already singing and pushing them back sooo yeah element of surprise is gone Page"!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)