The Naming (part 1 chapter 2)

Liquid Silver

Andrea was leaned up on the low wall of the training yard watching the boys be put to the test; she carefully scrutinized the minutia of the training exercise watching for the tell tale signs of fatigue and rough technique. She was only staying over at the Watchtower for a few days and she wanted to check on the progress of her brothers before she left for Wright City to rendevous with Elizabeth's safe house informant. Andrea watched her brothers pair up and take on the older boys in thier group and she was once again struck by the symetry of their technique. Apart Gavin and Magnus could hold thier own but together; well together they were breathtakingly lethal. It was like watching the Yin and Yang in perfect harmony when one struck high the other struck low; like a dance a beautiful, deadly dance; it took her breath away everytime she witnessed it. Just as the training exercise wound to a close Andrea's cellphone beeped a warning.
"Oh flying ninja panda spunk monkey's I forgot to charge the blasted battery!!"
Remembering that her charger was in the library she left the training yard and headed back inside to charge the phone. As Andrea was leaving Magnus was bending over to tie back his leg wraps when a cold unsettling feeling washed over him. He snapped his head up and narrowed his dark eyes looking for hidden danger but saw only his comrades and his dad Androse. Gavin sensing the sudden alertness of his younder brother stilled and cocked his head to the right side as if listening to someone only he could hear. They searched the training yard on high alert all senses flaring and once thier eyes met they were in perfect agreement. Together they took off for the library knowing, but not knowing how they knew, that something was horribly wrong.
Androse was finishing up with the rest of the young neophytes when he realized that Gavin and Magnus were gone. Grumbling to himself that they would run laps till thier legs fell off for thier disobediance he closed his eyes and honed in on where they were. He was shocked to find them in the library and to feel the intense disquiet that darkened thier life lines. Quickly dismissing the rest of the boys and Page he headed as quickly as he could back to the library. Androse's steps were clipped and authoritative as they echoed down the marble hallways and came to an abrupt halt outside the library door. Standing in the hallway with him with thier heads craned inside the doorway were Gavin and Magnus. Sensing the ominous preseance of thier father both boys heads, one light and one dark, slowly turned to regard him with wide and frightened eyes.
"Boys what seems to be the matter here? Why did you feel the need to leave practice without my permission?"
Gavin being the unoffical spokesman of the two piped in with thier feelings of wrongness at the practice yard and thier sense of urgency to get here as quickly as possible. They didn't realize yet that what they were describing was the life line that exists between all Watchers and thier children. It is especially strong between siblings.
Androse stole a glance into the library but saw nothing amiss other than the fact that Imelda his bookish warrior princess was no longer in the room. Not understanding the urgency Androse, ever the warrior and never the scholar, had a belated idea to locate Imelda through the matrimonial link and make sure everything was ok. Unfortunatly all he got from the bond was a dark penetrating blackness as if a dark wall had come down between himself and his other half. It was rather disconcerting to say the least. The hard press of alarm stole through him as he came to the realization that something was horribly wrong. Not wanting to alert his two sons to the gravity of the situation Androse slowly opened his eyes and announced that the boys were to go find thier sister Andrea and meet him back in thier parents quarters.

"What do you think Magnus? You think dad's really as calm and cool as he plays it? Or is something else going on?"

"You know how dad is, if somethings out of whack he'll never tell us it'll be up to us to read between the lines"

"Yeah that's your forte so i'll leave it to you. You got your cellphone on you? Maybe we could just call the Queen of Hoodie Freaks to meet us in mom and dads quarters instead of walking all the way to the other end of the watchtower to get her."

Magnus reached inside his hidden belt pocket and pulled out his cellphone. He dialed Andrea's phone number and waited for her to pick it up.

"Ahh butt nuggets it went to voice mail. She probably forgot to charge the battery again."

"Why does she own a cellphone at all if she's never going to charge the battery?"

"Like i'm supposed to know the inner workings of our older sisters mind? She's female that makes her impossible to understand they are a totally different species from us."

"Truth"

Resigned to making the treck across the watchtower yards the boys set off to find thier big sister Andrea aka Sissy aka Hoody Freak for her penchant for wearing anything and everything with a hood no matter how ugly.

The naming part 1 (continued)

"I'm tired of this game Magnus let's go to the practice yard and have a real life battle" Gavin said.

"How can it be 'real life' when the swords made of blunt wood?" asked Magnus.

"Your way too literal little brother and it's more real life than this Risk game. Puhhlleaassee if I have to sit in this library one more second I'll turn moldy and die of boredome".

"I'm not bored I happen to like boardgames and you're just mad because your losing and that new girl Page is in the practice yard".

Page's parents had sent her to board at the Watchtower in St. Louis Missouri for Praetor Guard training and her being the only non-related female in the barracks made for some very interesting times. One of those interesting developments was the renewed enthusiasm of the boys during weapons practice and hand to hand combat. It seemed they were all determined to outdo each other in front her and at the same time were all too afraid of hurting her. Resulting in quite a few loud jeers and some very bruised and battered male egos when they were whipped by her speed and agility. The fact that Gavin wanted to go the practice yard probably had more to do with his boundless energy and his boredom with the library than with Page but Magnus being the little brother that he was couldn't resist the jibe. Gavin sprung up from the overstuffed leather armchair and brandished his imaginary sword at Magnus and demanded satisfaction. Imelda and Androse smothered thier laughter and glanced at each other in perfect understanding. That was thier Gavin Otto always over the top dramatic. Magnus heaved a deep theatrical sigh and then launched at his brother in a sneak attack. The boys rolled across the marble floors rough housing until Imelda, seeing a lamp teetering at the edge of an end table, called a firm halt to thier shenanigans. Androse decided the boys could use some time sweating in the practice ring and all of Imelda's boys trooped out of the library in good humor leaving her to her own research in the library.

Imelda opened the old tome up again and began flipping pages slowly looking for the ancient Welsh text that mentioned the first appearance of the Watchers in Europe. Engrossed as she was in her study she failed to hear the library door open or to feel the prick of the poisoned dart in her arm until it was too late. As she sunk beneath the waves of the psychotropic drug she caught a fleeting glimpse of her attacker and had time to gasp once before the blackness reached up and sucked her under.

writing is a lot like giving birth

I must have started and abandoned a half a million good storylines through out my life all because when the going got tough I dropped the ball. I'm not willing to do that with this new book. It's the first time i've started writing something that just STUCK with me. Maybe it's because i'm drawing the inspiration from my own children or maybe it's because i've always loved weaving fiction in with non-fiction or who knows maybe FINALLY this is the book the Good Lord intended me to write and finish..all i know is like always it's hard!!! I always have that feeling that i'm missing some vital piece here and i've spend a ton of time online looking up the meanings of names and historical definitions not to mention hebrew text..it all adds up to the same thing...headaches and sleepless nights. I NEED to finish this book I NEED to have at least one manuscript that is complete and I REALLY need it to NOT suck!!! LOL..I wonder if other writers ever read what they wrote and think..this is so lame no one is ever going to want to read this..or is it just me..LOL. I really hope my kids love this book regardless of what anyone else thinks i'm really writing this FOR THEM. something to leave behind that they will be able to read and know and see all the admiration and love and hope and dreams that I have for them. Writing is hard it's lots of sleepless nights, tons of sticky notes on a story board along with writers block and eye strain and headaches..but man if you get it just right it's sooo worth it!

The Naming (part 1 continued)

The circle has existed for over a millenia. It was first brought together by Noah and his sons after the Great Flood. It was during those forty days and forty nights aboard the Ark that Noah and his family became the first members of The Circle and the members of The Circle became known as the Watchers. There was a time when all of mankind was trained to be a Watcher; when names were given to children to protect them against the slings and arrows of the Prince of Lies and his fallen comrades but as time moved forward the exact nature and beginning of The Circle faded from memory until all that was left were a handful of families that kept the Watcher Code and who trained thier children to take up the mantle when they passed. Imelda and Androse were one of those families and thier children Andrea Nicole, Gavin Otto, and Magnus Jayce were in the process of being trained to become Watchers. Not all children of these families are trained to become Watchers a child must pass a test each year of thier life beginning at age four. These test are designed to determine which area a members child may be best suited for. Imelda and Androse were both full Praetor Gaurds and it would not be long before thier eldest daughter Andrea passed her last test and came into the fullness of her name. In the meantime Imelda kept busy assisting the Circle with research and Androse helped with training the younger children two of which were his two sons Gavin and Magnus.

The Naming (part 1)

"You know I think Gavin looks more like your side of the family as he gets older"

Imelda Bithiah looked up from the large tome she had been paging through to gaze lovingly at her two sons as they leaned over the board game in the ancient library. As always Gavin was chatting away at his more reserved younger brother Magnus while he pushed pieces around on the Risk game board. She watched her boys for a time and then said to her husband Adrastos Bethuel "yes he does resemble my family more but it is his nature that more closely resembles your own".
Adrastos contemplated his two sons and was once again struck by thier differences. No two children could be more different both in looks and personality. Gavin was small but fast and wiry. When Gavin was in the practice ring he was truly the White Hawk of battle as his name of power. Fast pretty much summed up Gavin. He did everything at breakneck speed with little to no regard for his own safety much to the chagrine of both his father Adrastos and his mother Imelda. Magnus on the other hand was more of a strategist he preferred to survey the entire battle and only once he had all the pertinent information was he inclined to make a move. This is why Magnus usually won at boardgames, Gavin simply didn't have the patience for the strategy. They were different in looks as well Gavin resembling more Imelda's side of the family with his thick blonde hair and huge hazel green eyes while Magnus resembled his fathers side of the family with his Dark curling hair fathomless brown eyes so brown they were almost black and his darker skin. One light and one dark. Polar opposites in just about every way except one, both boys were being trained to inherit the same legacy, that of the Circle.

The naming (Introduction)

My name is Magnus Jayce and while you might not think much of the name it holds a great amount of power for the one that bears it, namely me. All names have power whether the modern day man believes it or not. Ever wonder why it took so long to choose the name of your child? If names didn't matter or hold power people wouldn't care as much as they do. Even in this day and age of cellphones, laptops, and instant gratification there is a primal awareness that names are important, on some level every parent recognizes the power of a name, this is why there are so many books and websites dedicated to the project. Not just the sound but the meaning behind them is what draws parents to choose certain names. My parents know this better than most, they are the remenant of a long and ancient bloodline that knows intimatily the power of names. My family and other families like mine have stood guard over mankind for centuries. Ours is a hard and dangerous life but it is what we were literally born to do.
There are different reasons for a naming to occur but one thing that never changes is the ritual. The first name is chosen for power either good or evil and the second name is chosen for faith the third and final name can only be bestowed when the child has reached thier full potential in the Circle. As i've said my name is Magnus Jayce I have not reached the full outcome of my naming yet but I can feel that things are about to happen things that will bring me to the fullness of my NAME.

A home?

I've spent a lot of time since I had Gavin thinking about what makes a house a home. I mean I've never lived in a "house" but it's not like my siblings and I ever went around referring to our place of residence as a hotel/motel/campground/apartment. Yes we were like gypsy in that our "home" moved locations a lot. We traveled where my dads work was so sometimes our "home" was a motel and we lived there for about a week or two weeks and sometimes it was an apartment and we were there for months at a time. We switched school so much that I was always the "new kid in school". Don't feel sorry for me or though because I liked it. I viewed it as getting to 'reinvent myself' every time I moved. I would daydream and imagine what kind of person I wanted to be percieved as and then I would go for the gusto..of course none of us can truly ever leave our true nature behind us but it was fun to get to play someone else for a while.
The constant moving meant that many times my siblings and I had only each other to play with and only each other to confide in and it made us very close growing up. My point is that we didn't grow up in one single place or have friends that we met and made in kindergarten and moved through the grades with. This whole concept of a "lifelong" friend someone you meet as a child and stay friends with your WHOLE life is completly alien to me. It's a lot like trying to explain heaven to bears..while I might get the concept the true meaning escapes me. The closest thing I have to a lifelong friend is my friend Laurie. We met in the 7th grade and she clung to me like toxic mold until we best friends. I believe her exact words were "you will be my friend whether you like it or not" and like it or not she followed me everywhere until in truth we were best friends. Proving once again that persistance pays off..LOL. She is still my best friend and the closest thing I have to a "lifer" friend. We've been through just about everything together and most of it long distance and still we are best friends..so I guess the whole concept of being in one place your whole life is really scary to me. Yet.....it's an idea i've been kicking around.
I have kids and they have friends and I remember how in the beginning it was really hard for me to leave my friends behind everytime we moved until i learned to just not let people get that close because you would be leaving them. this is not a good trait to have. So I want a HOME and yet I'm at a loss as to how to describe exactly what that is. I realized that all this time i've been praying for a house and what I really wanted was a home. I was reading a fellow bloggers blog today and it just struck me that what I had been longing for what not made of brick and morter but of something much more substantial. I want a home..a home which I realized today means stability, safety, strength, laughter, love, CONTENTMENT..that last is in full caps because it escapes me the most and it's to me more essential than happiness. Happiness is fleeting but contentment is a more steady long lasting emotion. It's interesting how God brings about these epiphanies huh..lol. I have to say though that that epiphany did shake loose some other negative emotions I've been having lately and I realize that no matter where we physically reside whether it be an apartment, townhouse, condo, or a traditional family house brick and morter do not a home make.

Summer time and the Livin's not so easy.

I do this every year; I look forward to the coming of the summer and the kids being out of school. I start planning fun weekends with all the places and new things we want to do and try and then I just let the weeks and days slip right out of my fingers. Next thing you know it's almost time for the school year to start again and I spend the next few weeks playing catch up. This year I have to figure out how to enroll my teenage bonus daughter into school and get her registered in time plus buy all the necessary school supplies and I don't know if they require uniforms or not.Heck at this point I don't even know what school she's going to be going to and getting, you know who, to take care of business is like asking for the freaking world! On top of that I need to send in Gavin's preschool payment for September and and I am hoping to be starting a new job at the university. The kids want to camp out at Che Elizabeth's in the country and that weekend is fast approaching.
See catch up!!!! run, run, run, hurry, hurry, hurry.
We live an ADHD life my friends but...hey do you smell waffles??

Best Poem in the World

BEST POEM IN THE WORLD

I was shocked, confused, bewildered
As I entered Heaven's door,
Not by the beauty of it all,
Nor the lights or its decor.

But it was the folks in Heaven
Who made me sputter and gasp--
The thieves, the liars, the sinners,
The alcoholics and the trash.

There stood the kid from seventh grade
Who swiped my lunch money twice.
Next to him was my old neighbor
Who never said anything nice.

Herb, who I always thought
Was rotting away in hell,
Was sitting pretty on cloud nine,
Looking incredibly well.

I nudged Jesus, 'What's the deal?
I would love to hear Your take.
How'd all these sinners get up here?
God must've made a mistake.

'And why is everyone so quiet,
So somber - give me a clue.'
'Hush, child,' He said, 'they're all in shock.
No one thought they'd be seeing you.'

JUDGE NOT!!

Remember...Just going to church doesn't make you a
Christian any more than standing in your garage makes you a car.

Every saint has a PAST...
Every sinner has a FUTURE!
Now it's your turn... Share this poem.

They say that those who are not raised in a christian home but come to Christ later are less likely to take thier faith for granted. I don't know if that's true or not but i've seen examples of both. My mom was not raised christian, she was most decidedly not a christian when she met my dad or when she escaped her extremely abusive first marriage with my two sisters. My mom loves to tell people about how she was dyslexic and couldn't read and did poorly in school and then one day in a hotel with all of us kids the Lord put it on her heart to open one of those Gideon bibles and how all the words suddenly made sense and she could read them. For a long time she carried that Gideon bible around with her as proof that the Lord gave her the ability to read and how on that day she read about Jesus and his sacrifice for us and she gave her life to Christ. She also smoked, never when she was pregnant or nursing, but afterwards yeah she always went back to it and then one day the Holy Spirit told her to just stop. To hear her tell it she just put it down and never picked it up again..thereby proving the strength of the Holy Spirit to help us kick our habits. My mom used tell us stories all the time about how my two older sisters witnessed to her and how they would say things like "mom we really wish you would turn your life and heart to Christ" until, finally, one day she did. My mom has always been the source of spiritual strength in our family, the glue that held us all together in times of good and bad. In my moms case she came to Christ later and like the poem says ever sinner has a past and every saint a future. My mom eventually got her GED, went to a community college and on to LSU and now has a masters degree in Art Education. She loves being a teacher and even without a piece of paper she was always a fantastic teacher at home. She taught all of us how to read, write our names in print and cursive, and helped teach us how to think on different levels and to see all the possible outcomes. She was born to be a teacher she just took a few scenic detours getting there. Because of her difficulty with reading she was adamant that we be read to. We didn't have t.v. until i was almost 10 years old. We did frequent whatever library there was in whatever town we happened to be living in at the time. She read to us constantly but she made it entertaining and fun. Even today when I go to a library I get really excited and my stepdaughter shares that excitement and so does my 4 year old. it's like shopping without having to pay for anything. My point is that what my mother viewed as her shortcomings, no formal education, unable to read, and a host of others, she actively sought to eliminate those things from her childrens lives. My mom managed to raise 7 healthy, relativly well adjusted, educated children. All of us have a college education, all of us graduated with honors, and all of us owe it to my mothers diligence in that area. But my mom could not have done all that she did without the help of the holy trinity in her life. She raised to believe that the impossible was possible with the right frame of mind. She raised us to see opportunities instead of road blocks and always she taught us that it had to be God's will and not ours.
In my mothers case it was a faith born out of years of abuse and frustration that broke her down enough to accept the will and grace of God. In my case it was a lifelong induction to Christ. I can not remember a time when we didn't go to church, read the bible, or celebrate religious holidays. I used to have such a fire for Christ in my heart, he was first and foremost all the time. I led the youth group in high school, I was usually first to witness to my friends and the first music I listened to was christian. I sang in the church choir and so on and so forth. I would say that for most of my life Christ led my footsteps. But what no one knows is that as a child and especially as a teenager I suffered from depression. I would cry myself to sleep at night and had no idea why I was crying or what caused it. I was just sad and I always felt lonely and rejected. I would go long stretches at a time not leaving our apartment, hotel, motel, campground, wherever we happened to be living. I would stop going outside to play with my friends and I would just hole up inside and lose myself in books. One summer in particular sticks out in my mind. My best friend Abby Wright had rejected me to become friends with the new girl in our apartment complex. I was devestated it was the first time I had ever had a best friend, outside of family, and she had rejected me in a very cruel way. She had told the new girl that our family was poor and we used food stamps. That was all true but it hurt that she made me feel ashamed to be poor. After that she wasn't interested in being my friend unless it was to taunt me in front of the new girl. Soon after that school ended and I spent the entire summer inside our apartment either reading or doing chores. I wouldn't go outside and play no matter how much my younger sister begged me to and I wouldn't watch t.v. with them on family nights, I just wanted to be left alone to read. I think i knew, even then, even that young that there was something not right with my head but anytime I tried to tell my mom about it she told me I should just pray. The point is that I grew up in a loud, busy, noisy, family but I isolated myself as much as I could. It was not unusual to find me locked in the car with windows rolled up on and the doors locked just to be alone. Don't get me wrong I wasn't a total loner I had friends some of which are still my friends today but when I was at home i'd rather just be left alone so I could read.I was an exceptional student and I have a ton of awards from school to prove it. When other kids were lettering in sports I lettered in Academics, no lie I have the letterman jacket to prove it, I was a band geek, but I also played sports for fun. I was never going to be the best but I did get some court time. My point is that you can have depression and still find a way to live a normal life you just have to figure out your triggers and find a good medication to help you balance out.
My point is that I prayed, I quite literally walked and talked with God on a regular basis and I kept getting angrier and angrier until one day in desperation I cried out to God to take the anger away from me. It was strangling me and there were times when I my skin would crawl with the heat of it. I would like to say he took it away all at once but that would be a lie. He sent people into my life that showed me and taught me a better way of dealing with all the pent up rage until one day it was just gone. Anger can kill your soul same as anything else and it's just as much a sin as anything else can be. For a few years I was happy and content and then I made a conscious decison to walk away from my relationship with Christ. I know!!!! Stupid right..yes it was and the only thing I have to say is that Satan knew the exact way to get at me. It wasn't money, fame, or sex. It was very simply love. I was starved for love from my dad my whole life and from my brother as well and all it took was one boy saying he loved me and God telling me I had a choice to make and I chose the boy. yeah that's right I chose human, falible love over the divine love. Ok I was an idiot, I was young and dumb and tired of feeling alone and isolated. As you can guess that relationship did't pan out and neither did the other two I attempted after that. I was raised a christian, I knew better, I did it anyway. I'm still fighting to regain the close relationship I had with Christ prior to that incident and there are days when it seems we are so far apart that I'll never be able to bridge that gap again. Maybe I just need to remember that it's Christ that bridges the gap..not us.

Now on that note i'm going to go make me some coffee and get back to pretending to work.

I really really dislike you and other sarcastic comments

I have been trying to teach my older two children the 13 year old and the 4 year old that the world "HATE" is not acceptable in our house. The other day my four year old informed me that I say that word a lot. Hmmm so I started paying attention to what I said and realized that, yeah I do say that word a lot, so what can I say I obviously lost some of the meaning of the word along the road. I've started saying to my *gag* husband when he upsets me, which is often, that I really really dislike you right now. I've come up with some doozies and even some that are rather creative but their all the same message...I don't like you! Go away! Leave me alone! That got me to thinking...if the word HATE was not allowed because of it's negative conotation then shouldn't the others be disallowed as well? I mean why is it so bad to tell someone you hate them? Or you hate such and such a food or show or color or whatever. Has the word Hate lost it's meaning? Do we actually Hate lima beans or do we just not care for the texture, taste, color of them? Do we actually HATE another person or are we just endlessly annoyed and aggravated by them? What does it mean to HATE something or someone? Here's what the dictionary has to say abou the word Hate: hate (ht)
v. hat·ed, hat·ing, hates
v.tr.
1.
a. To feel hostility or animosity toward.
b. To detest.
2. To feel dislike or distaste for: hates washing dishes.
v.intr.
To feel hatred.
n.
1. Intense animosity or dislike; hatred.
2. An object of detestation or hatred: My pet hate is tardiness.

According to this definition you can have a hatred of something such as tardiness. So if it's an extreme dislike a person or thing is it then ok to let your children say hate? If for instance Gavin says I hate the color green, do you let him say it with no consequences because he used the word appropriatly and he actually does hate the color green?

When I became a mom the first time I remember being filled with all these convictions. My child would have the best of everything I could give them. They would be well behaved and educated and wear nice clothes. I anticipated personality struggles, disobediance, even back talking, what I did not anticipate was having to curb my own sarcasm. Yes I know i'm sarcastic it's like an automatic, knee jerk reaction to negativity. Don't like something? Make a sarcastic comment about it. I do love the art form in almost every way. I like to read books where the characters are sarcastic and witty, i like sarcastic bumper stickers and t-shirts and if I could i'd wear one on casual friday every day of the year. I like sarcasm I just do and I can't imgagine a life where I wasn't allowed to indulge in it from time to time. That being said I have this slight problem..o.k. I have the HUGE problem with my four year old. He is sarcastic!! not in the funny hahah way or in the aww that's so cute kind of way but in the OMG DID HE JUST SAY THAT TO ME?!!! kind of way. I know it's my fault. I knew when he started talking at 6 months old we were in for it. He is a sponge and he's observant and that makes for a bad combination sometimes. I realize that to reverse the cutting sarcasm..yes sarcasm, that comes from his mouth i'm going to have curb my own. *sigh* Looks like it's time to implement the sarcasm jar. Hello marbles..goodbye sarcasm.

The Grasshoppper and the Ant

Do you remember the tale of the grasshoppper and the ants? The grasshopper spent all summer playing his fiddle and goofing off and neglecting to prepare for the winter. Meanwhile the ants were industriously storing food and making preperations for the lean winter ahead. The end of the tale shows the ant taking in the grasshopper for the winter and sharing his warm home and food with him.

This story picks up where that one ends.

Suppose for a second that the Ant had a daughter and that daughter fell hard for the Grasshopper. Now no self respecting Ant would want thier daughter to marry such a shiftless Grasshopper! No sirree why Ants are some of the hardest working animals in the animal kingdom and they are darn proud of it! So what happens when an Ant falls in love with and marries a Grasshopper?

Mrs. Anita Ant-Grasshopper was climbing the large hill up to the apartment complex laundry mat with about a months worth of laundry on her back when she thought to herself, for the one millionth time, how unfair it was that she always seemed to be doing the brunt of the work in her marriage.
"That shiftless worthless Grasshopper is out playing his fiddle for perfect strangers and claiming it's work while I'm stuck doing all the manual labor! It's so unfair! I go to a real job and bring home a real paycheck and provide health insurance for our family and I get to come home to what?? A filthy, stinky, house because he's tired from "working" all night! Ha! Work my foot! He's just a lazy Grasshopper! I really wish I would have listened to my dad about marrying him."

Mrs. Anita Ant-Grasshopper had always considered herself a very forward thinking ant. She even chose to keep her own last name and to simply hyphenate it with that of her husbands. She was so modern that she didn't hold with the outdated notion that species should only marry within thier own species so when Mr. Ess-Loth Grasshopper came to stay with them for the winter she saw no good reason why she should not pursue him as a mate. When other eligible ants came to call on Anita during the winter she was quick to dismiss them as work-a-holics, or boring middle men and wage slaves. In her youth she simply could not understand or appreciate the beauty of a job well done or the dedication it took to keep the colony going. She saw only the day in day out drudgery of her own simple ant life and Mr. Grasshopper brought so much life and fun and color into her fathers home that she could not help but become captivated by it all. Really when you look at it from that perspective is it any wonder Anita fell so hard for the charming, outgoing, Grasshopper?

One could surmise that the Grasshopper saw an opportunity to spend the rest of his days and nights doing what he did best; play the fiddle and enjoy the spotlight. You could probably come up with a whole host of psychological reasons why the Grasshopper was pathologically lazy. Perhaps his mother never took the time to teach him to be self sufficient, or maybe he was traumatized by the cleaning products when he was young. Who knows for sure but one thing is certain the Grasshopper would work harder to get out of work than he would to just simply do the chore in the first place.

At first thier marriage was great. Anita was content follow wherever her husband should go and she did enjoy the travel. It was perhaps the first time in her young life that she had ever left the anthill and she was enthralled with the kaleidescope of colors and sounds and tastes that the wide world had to offer. Yes sir it was a very happy marriage in the begining but like many of lifes adventures there came a time when trouble showed up.

This particular event was at first recieved with joy for Mrs. Anita Ant-Grasshopper was expecting her first little one. Mr. Grasshopper was joyful if a bit apprehensive. He knew the arrival of this child would put a damper on his travels and frivolity. Mr. Grasshopper was fond of quoting his mother in times like these and saw fit to do so again when his wife began to make plans to settle down and get busy with the business of providing for a family.
"Children are messy and loud my dear are you sure you're ready for this?" said Mr.Grasshopper one night.

"Well dear ready or not this one is coming and we need to start the preperations." said Mrs. Anita Ant-Grasshopper.

"I'm afraid i'm not much good at preperations dear. Why don't you make a list of things you need me to do and I'll just get started on those as soon as I have some free time".

"Yes dear that would be lovely I'll begin making the list now".

Little did Mrs. Anita Ant-Grasshopper know that this was to be the beginning of a very rough road in her marriage. From that night on Mr. Grasshopper always had an excuse for why something on the list never got done. He convientantly managed to be at work or on the way to work or too tired from work to be of any use to his very pregnant wife. At first Anita thought there was plenty of time to prepare so she let things lie as they were but as the time for the new arrival came closer and the excuses more prevelant Anita began to stress. She began to worry if everything would be all right; would everything be done in time, and would her husband finally follow through on his promises?

Sadly for Anita her husband proved to be every inch the Grasshopper he was and his excuses simply piled up as he twisted and wormed his way out of every promise he made her. At this time Anita began to see her future in a very different light. Instead of warm night spent by the fire in wedded family bliss she saw herself and her little one cast out into the cold without a home or food. Anita began to do what her ant family had always taught her, she began to pray and work. She realized if her and her child were to make she would have to shoulder the load. Anita was prepared to do just that! After all she was an ANT and they are hardest working animals in the animal kingdom and proud of it!

Anita got a nice job at the local ant farm counting grains of rice. It was a rather boring job but it paid the bills and kept her and her young one fed and with a roof over thier heads. After Anita had been at her job for a little over a year her husband was let go from his "job" and took his sweet time finding another one. Of course every job Mr. EssLoth Grasshopper took was a low-paying job that would be garunteed to interfere with his family life and keep him off the hook of any type of family responsability and in this way he was able to keep up the pretense of a good provider for a family while actually doing nothing of the sort.

This brings us to the end of our story for you see this cycle of the Grasshoppers continued unabated for many years. Anita would grumble and gripe and complain about the lack of support she was getting from her husband and he in turn would complain about the long hours of his job that kept him too tired to support his wife. Some would say the moral of the story is that species should not inter-marry, other would say that the moral is to not be unevenly yokes, and still others would say that that's the price of feminism in today's society. I am the teller of this tale and I say the moral is whatever you find between the lines.

Let the Mania begin!!!

Ok I know there are those that are not as religious as some other and you know that's ok to each his own I say. I however am very religious almost to the point of being superstitious. I believe that God really does give back what you put out and thus we need to be very careful about what we are putting out there in the world. If you put out hate and intolerance you will get the same in return. That sort of thing,HOWEVER, this does not mean that God is not forgiving and that if you are sincerely sorry and seek to change the errors of your ways you will not also be rewarded for that as well. Now I may be wrong, but I'm pretty sure that fasting and praying is the best way to find your way through a particularly tough minefield. I've been doing a LOT of that lately!!!
So I wanted to share what happened to me the other day and see what ya'll take on it is. I was doing my early morning devotional and it just happened to be on patience. Ugh something I struggle with constantly!!! Anywayz so I was reading and drinking my coffee and wondering what this meant for me when I dropped my bible on the floor. OK I know what you are thinking but no I don't believe in horoscopes, or portents, or tea leaves or any of that junk, but when I went to pick up my bible from the floor it fell to that one verse where God is says to "be still and know that I am God". You know the one Psalm 46:10 but it was not just this one passage but the entire Psalm that really spoke to my soul today. I will post it here in case you are unfamiliar with the entire Psalm:
Psalm 46

God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble. (I think here I need to remember that I am not as alone as i may feel).
2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,

3 though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.
Selah (like no matter how many people are giving me their advice or yelling or screaming at me to do what they want. I should know that in the midst of all that noise God is quietly telling me what to do).
4 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy place where the Most High dwells.

5 God is within her, she will not fall; (This portion it was like he was telling me
God will help her at break of day. "I am here and I hear your pain")

6 Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
he lifts his voice, the earth melts.

7 The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Selah

8 Come and see the works of the LORD,
the desolations he has brought on the earth.

9 He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth;
he breaks the bow and shatters the spear,
he burns the shields [b] with fire.

I don't know but I think he may be telling me that there is a peaceable end in sight

10 "Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth."
I'm pretty sure this passage is telling me to quiet the clamor in my head. to stop worrying about where we will live, what I should do, where to go from here and to just leave it all in HIS hands
11 The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Selah

So that's it that's where I am at in my headspace and heartspace right now. Ugh this being a christian is soo much harder than people think it is!!!

This is a weird feeling

So at lunch today I was relating to my girlfriend Mary that this weekend was sooo wierd. It's like I got all this bad news it seemed like everyday and yet none of it ruined my peaceful weekend with the boys. I got so much done in the house..i finally folded and ironed and put away a ton of clothes, course there's still a ton more waiting for me, I got the book club book finally read and I just hung out with my boys. We went to the Aquaport on Friday night, stayed home Saturday and had movie night, went to church and the movies on Sunday, and to Sara and Carsons house for swimming on Monday. It was so nice to not have any pressing plans, no feeling of rushing here or there just floating along and letting life happens as it happens. I was even able to be friendly with Phillip and him and I managed to find a way to be more than civil. It almost seems that now that I expect nothing from him he doesn't annoy, upset, or bother me anymore. This taking a backseat to my own life and letting God do everything is a nice change of pace from the stressed out crazy lady I was becoming. Of course having order and space in my house has done a lot for my own mental health as well.
My mom called and told me that my Papa has cancer, ok that upset me but still it didn't disturb my calm, I am worried about my Papa he is old and already sick he can't undergo chemo. because he would't survive it..yet he can't be put under for surgery for the same reason. It's a very weird feeling to be faced with the mortality of someone that has played such a HUGE role in my life. My Papa has always been the most positive male role model I've ever had. He has lived a life that is so full of experience and stories it almost seems as if someone should write a biography about HIM..lol. He is one of those people that was not only physically imposing, he stood a towering 6'8, but was also a person that lived his life by his own rules and everyone else be damned. He was a technicolor wonder of a human being and even though I realize that he is old and his body has been failing him for years I can't help but wonder how that giant hole in my life will be filled when he is gone. I am so blessed that my boys have gotten to know thier great grandfather and that he has been such a large part of who and what I am I am praying and hoping that we get a few more good months of him with us so that my boys and I can make a trip back home to visit him and spend what precisous little time we may have with him. My Papa was always fond of telling me that time is a slippery, tricky, devil and you know what happens when you make deals with the devil.

movies and babies don't mix!

I decided today I would take Gavin and Magnus to see the new Shrek movie. I had a gift card to Wehrenberg theatre that would cover the cost of the tickets so it would be a free day of fun for us. Oh it was a hug disaster!!! I am so glad I did not pay actual money for those tickets I got to see five minutes of the movie and Magnus decided what he had to talk about was may more interesting than Shrek. At first it was just his usual babbling and was being very quiet so I was whispering back to him. Then he decided he needed to be "heard" by everyone and started doing his baby scream.I jumped up from my seat and tried to calm him down but no luck so I went outside the theater door and told Gavin to stay put and watch his movie. Once we were outside the theatre door Magnus quieted down and wanted to get down and crawl around. I let him do this for a bit and then picked him back up and went to check on Gavin..who decided that sitting in the aisle was way more fun than sitting in his seat. I put him back and Magnus started "singing" to the music..lots of "shhh and be quiets" from the crowd so back out the door I went and i just opened the door periodically to check on Gavin. Magnus was so not ok with this he wanted to get down and crawl all over the theatre..no no no..this floor is yucky no crawling on it. To this he screamed his dissaprovel for all to hear. Did I mention that Magnus throws fits now? Yeah they learn that early when they have an older sibling to teach them how..he puts his whole body on the floor and kicks and screams until he gets what he wants.Usually at home I just ignore the temper tantrum until he calms down but in a theatre this is not so easy to do..sooo back out the door we went. I spent the entire movie in outside the door and just peaked in at Gavin to make sure he was ok..I will not be making this mistake again..next time Magnus stays home with daddy or we don't go to the theatre..consider this Lesson learned. It's so odd because Gavin was never like this. He has always been able to sit still during a performance. I remember when he was two and half Phillip got tickets to the Fox to see CATS and we had seats right up front by the orchestra..the other people looked upset that we had such a young child with us but Gavin sat in my lap through the entire production and made not one single peep. I did not think this was odd for a toddler but the people around us were very impressed that he didn't make a whole lot of noise. I remember one older couple made it a point to tell us how well behaved he was and I was like "well yeah what did you expect him to make a fuss and throw a fit?"..now I understand that Gavin was uncommonly good during that production most children his age would have lost patience with it and been antsy and yes even have thrown a fit to leave...just like Magnus..who I have to keep reminding myself is a NORMAL child and Gavin is exceptional in that regard. Two more different children could not exist in the same house..lol. Yet Magnus will sit quietly and be read too and Gavin wants to ask a million and one questions during the story..go figure.

movies

I dont know about you all but when I have movie night at my house it includes the movie, the drink, and of course the snacks. This may be a hold over from childhood being the middle child of 7 kids meant we did not get to go to the movies all that often. Instead what we had was movie night. Usually every friday that my dad got paid my parents would order pizza, rent movies, and buy soda (consequently this was the ONLY time we had soda in the house)so it was a very special treat and so exciting! To this day when I have movie night at my house it is the same thing..we may not order pizza since I can no longer eat that stuff but we will make our own pizza's, I'll buy soda's for everyone, and we make popcorn and rent movies or watch a movie that's coming on t.v.
Today it was too hot for playing outside for Magnus and the pool is still locked up so no swimming outside either..but thanks to ABC family there is a Harry Potter weekend Marathon going on! Woohoo this means we can have special indoor movie time and it will still feel like a fun weekend!!
Now time to get off the computer and enjoy movie time with my special guys!

Talk about God being techno savvy!!

Next time I pray for God to speak to me and give me courage i'm going to ask that he e-mail just like he did today!! LOL


Sometimes we wonder, 'What did I do to deserve this?' or 'Why did God have to do this to me?'
Here is a wonderful explanation! A daughter is telling her Mother how everything is going wrong,
she's failing algebra, her boyfriend broke up with her and her best friend is moving away.
Meanwhile, her Mother is baking a cake and asks her daughter if she would like a snack, and the
daughter says, 'Absolutely Mom, I love your cake.' 'Here, have some cooking oil,' her Mother offers.
'Yuck' says her daughter. 'How about a couple raw eggs?' 'Gross, Mom!'
'Would you like some flour then? Or maybe baking soda?' 'Mom, those are all yucky!'
To which the mother replies: 'Yes, all those things seem bad all by themselves. But when they
are put together in the right way, they make a wonderfully delicious cake! '
God works the same way. Many times we wonder why He would let us go through such bad and
difficult times. But God knows that when He puts these things all in His order, they always
work for good! We just have to trust Him and, eventually, they will all make something wonderful!

God is crazy about you. He sends you flowers every spring and a sunrise every morning. Whenever you
want to talk, He'll listen. He can live anywhere in the universe, and He chose your heart.

something for everyone

I dont usually do book reviews mainly because I have an rather bad obsession with reading. I could read a road map and find it interesting..LOL. One day while I was bored I roamed the shelf of the free books at work and settled on this book called Savannah Blues and it is written by Mary Kay Andrews. The back of the book pretty much says it all, A book about Divorce, Revenge, and Great Antiques, the premise of the story is a woman who has divorced her cheating ex and the "other woman" moves into the house that she lovingly restored to it's pristine condition. Later at the estate sale of the century the main character goes in search of a bathroom and ends up breaking into the old antebellum house where the estate sale is being held and find the dead body of the "other woman". She is arrested for murder but gets out on bail and a whole host of crazy stuff goes on while she tries to solve the murder and find out whose making copies of the original antique furniture and trying to pass it off as originals. It's funny, thrilling, and an all around good read. I will defintly be picking up more of her books in the future.

God opened a door

I peeked around the corner of that door and yep sure enough it was hell in the hallway.
Do you remember that story in the bible the one where the Isrealite king goes and consults with a witch about wether or not they will win this big battle that's come in up even though God already told him they would win. I used to read that story and think "what a dope you've got God himself telling you "you will win this battle" and still you are going to a witch for what? confirmation?" Bah what an idiot I used to think you got what you deserved second guessing God like that. This is where the story of "he who has no sin cast the first stone" comes into play. I was wrong to think that way about that king in the bible because now I finally understand the desperation that comes from NOT KNOWING!!!
First i'm supposed to be moving myself and my boys into our new apartment soon and when I go to the leasing office to sign the rest of the papers I find out they leased my apartment to someone else by mistake. So now I have no apartment I did get my deposit back though since they didn't have another one open they could rent to me. Ok i'm upset this is a rather huge set back but I'm thinking no problem I'm sure God has a reason for this happening..i'm repeating my current mantra of "all things happen for a reason and all things work to the good of those that love the Lord".
I go to pick Phillip up from work and he's really ticked off so I do my usual thing of late and I pretend he doesn't exist. He starts telling me about why he's so mad and I realize it's the same song and dance i've heard about his job since i've met him so I tune him out. That was a mistake because I then realize this is a segway into him telling me that his daughter called him at work to tell him that she found drugs in her moms and stepdads closet and she asked her friends mom to come over and tell her what it was. So of course the friends mom comes over and confirms that yes this is drugs of the illegal sort and the mom calls phillip to tell him what she's found. So now not only is Phillip ticked about this bull hockey at work but the real reason he's so ticked off is that this woman and her husband have been doing drugs in the same house where his kids are.
I know I say a lot of bad things about Phillip and they are justly earned and deserved but one thing no one will ever hear me say is that he's a bad father. Phillip is a fantastic dad who always puts his kids wealfare ahead of his own..too bad that particular trait is absent in the husband department but I digress.
So now i'm ticked off why you ask? because these children have come to mean a lot to me and even if they didn't mean a lot to me bad parenting just pisses me off in general..it's the principle of the thing ya know. So back to this little snafu..this particular friends mom is a friend of mine that I made it a point to befriend when I found out that Andrea was hanging out with her daughter. Hey just because we live six hours away in another state doesn't mean we don't keep tabs on the kids. Of course we drove out and met with this particular friend and her mom on one of our trips to Tennessee and while Phil was over there feeling sorry for himself because he had to return the kids to the Ex I let my natural ingrained southern charm do it thang and I made sure to get the dibs. The point is that Ursula is now one of my friends and she's keeps me informed on what the girls do, where they go, and whats up with them on a general basis. So when the shit hit the fan with the whole drugs thing Ursula called me not realizing that Phillip had my cell phone that night because his was dead at home. It turned out to be a good thing since it's his problem not mine and i've been on him to make friends with Ursula so he could keep track of Andrea and what's going on over there. Many many many phone calls later we find out the stepdad lied about having a job in Tennessee, he doesn't have a job at all and he sits at home all day spoking pot and the kids are eating at Ursulas house because there's not food in thier house and Andrea has been wearing Ursula's daughters clothes to school because her mom never has any money to buy the kids clothes (probably because she's spending it all on drugs and her loser husband) and no one seems to know where the child support money is going. Hellooo probably to buy drugs for the loser husband.
So now where does that leave me and my boys? We can't move out because we have no apartment now.
Andrea and David are going to need counseling to cope with all this upheavel in thier lives and Phillip doesn't have health insurance to cover that cost.
I feel like a heel moving out and leaving Andrea and David with just another broken home to go to.
Of course to be fair I already feel like failure in my marriage and I was already feeling bad about our two kids together being children of "divorce" so I guess feeling like a heel about this is just one more bad feeling.
Sure wish there was a crystal ball around I could look into and know exactly what I'm supposed to do when i'm supposed to do it..instead of groping around in the dark like a blind man in a dark alley with no walking stick.
Oh well back to my mantra "All things work to the good of those that love the Lord..oooommmm...All things happen for a reason..ooommm".

lying cheating bastard say what??

Ok so I watch a lot of Disney channel Gavin is in boy love with Hannah Montana thus the title of this post. The cat is out of the bag I told phillip I was going to see a lawyer to file for divorce. I had to tell him since the lease is up in June and obviously we won't be living here another year..this momma can't afford this rent on her own. Long story short he did not believe me at first...until the lawyer called the house to schedule a follow up appointment with me. Then you should have seen his face..I'm pretty sure a light breeze would have knocked him over. I will never understand how people can be so manipulative, and demeaning, and rude and then be surprised when people stand up to them. I'm like really?? you're surprised? why? Unlike you I do not tell lies to manipulate you into getting what I want. Unlike you divorce is not a joke to me or something to be thrown around as a threat everytime I don't like what you have to say to me. So now he is afraid..he is scared that I will take the boys away from him forever and move back to louisiana, and I have to say the thought did cross my mind, I told him just because you didn't do marriage well doesn't mean we have to divorce worst. I told him I think he's a good dad and I think he genuinely cares for his kids and because of that I wouldn't harm my own children by taking them away from him. I told him his actions in the next few months will determine what course of action I seek in custody. I told him the gloves come off..that spitfire, strong willed woman that you supposedly fell in love, yeah well I rediscovered her so hold onto your britches because the person that would do anything to keep her marriage together while you played games behind her back is gone, G-O-N-E.
right now he is sucking up to me...as in waaayyy sucking up to me...but I know this tactic. First you abuse then you apologize and suck up..yep been there done that got the lousy t-shirt. I told him he could be as nice as he wanted but unless he had a real, solid, concrete reason why I should give him even a second thought he was just wasting his time. We are keeping our conversations to late at night while the kids are asleep because hellooo don't need to traumatize them anymore than necessary. I told him he was just perpetuating the exact same kind of abuse that his own parents put each other and him through when he was a kid, that unless and until he was ready to accept his wrong doing and actually get some help ON HIS OWN because i'm done wasting my time and effort on him, that I was not interested. I told him I didn't leave home at 16 to escape an abusive dad and go through years of therapy to break my own cycle of abuse to be someone else's victim. He rolled his eyes and did a lot of huffing and puffing and I told him "see that action right there is what lets me know that you not only don't care for me as a person, but you have no respect for the sanctity of marriage or what how to treat another person". He stopped blabbering after that. I prayed for days and fasted this whole weekend and spent it in prayer and the word asking the Lord to give me the words to heal and not to harm. I don't know if it worked..but I felt healed, I felt that I had taken back some of what his actions had stolen from me. I still feel lost in the desert and I still feel disoriented and defeated but now I can lay the responsability of where it belongs and that in and of itself is a sort of freedom.
So Phillip has asked that I hold off on filing for divorce that I give him a few months to go through therapy and see if he can change for the better. Problem for me is i've already been down this path with him and he didn't take it seriously, it's a lot like dealing with an addict, they will try rehab unsuccessfully many times before it sticks. I told him I wasn't comfortable with that idea..that I believed that until I made good on my promise to leave he would never take me or this marraige seriously and that if by getting a divorce means that he gets serious about getting help then I was prepared to do that. I told him I wasn't so sure there was a reconciliation in our future because once you've pushed me to that limit there really truly is no going back for me. Up till that point i'm a very flexible person, I will work with you and forgive you, and move on from there but once you've crossed the line you've crossed and there is no going back..that's when the rigid, iron-willed, independant woman that I am rears her ugly head and puts you down and out. So will I forgive him for what's he done to me? yeah probably but not for his sake, i'll forgive him for my own sake and for my children's sake. Simply put forgiving him means that bitterness does not have a chance to take root in my sould and spread like a weed, it means that I can take the moral high ground and know that the Lord is in me and that his love is shining through me and that my children will not be as traumatized as an ugly knock down drag out divorce can be. So yeah for my sake and my childrens sake I'll find a way to forgive him and until then we'll just have to fake it till we make it.

I did a bad bad thing..

I did not cook dinner...*GASP!!* I fed Gavin a PB&J and gave him a glass of milk then I played with Magnus and gave him a bath then sent his squirrelly cheek self off to bed. Now i'm not cleaning my house, i'm not cooking dinner, i'm at home and the t.v. is NOT on some kid show, and i've put Gavin to bed. The house is quiet, Phildo is at work, and I have a nice glass of pinot grigio in front of me. I've taken a nice hot bath, thought about shaving my legs then changed my mind..LOL. Now i'm just sitting in front of my computer enjoying the fact that for right now at this minute there are no immidiate demands on me. This feeling is so very rare and unheard of that it feels almost alien..I feel like i'm on some mini-vacation and at any second Eric Northman is going to be bring me one of those cute little drinks with an umbrella in it. The only thing that would make this better is if some of my SLM friends were here with me on my own private beach with the sun and the sand and the cute men serving us drinks.
yeah I did a bad bad thing and it feels good good good!

360

Here I am again. This blog is becoming my repository for all things negative which is not what i intended to be. I just have so much that has happened to me in such a short amount of time I feel like i've been hit with a tsunami. In February Phillip confessed to cheating on me. Now in May i've found that he has betrayed me again. Not in the same sense but a betrayal just the same. I am heartsore and weary. I can not even talk or think about what he has done without wanting to be sick and throw up. My good friend Mary a christian woman that my own kids refer to as Grandma Mary asked me what was wrong and i could not even open my mouth and speak the words. All I could do was sit there like a loser and cry and stare off into space. The worst part of the whole situation is the fear. Fear of being a single mother with two little children, fear of how i'll provide for them financially, fear of where we will live and how we will live, fear of the effect it will have them psychologically and emotionally, fear of what other people will say about me behind my back, just fear..crippling and over riding fear. I have contacted a family attorney talked to him and made an appointment to come in and see him. Already a mere few days after the discovery of the new betrayal i'm second guessing every decision i've ever made in life. I'm desperatly seeking to know what God's plan is. Does he intend for me to get divorced? Is this the plan for my life? Was i ever intended to marry him in the first place or did I not listen to God and screw this whole thing up?
There are all these questions that need to be answered.
Where will we live?
How will i afford it?
Who will take care of my children while i'm at work?
How will I afford childcare?
Then there's the personal questions. How did I get here? Was I looking too hard to find someone that wasn't physically abusive, an alcoholic, or a drug addict like my own dad that I completly missed the signs of another kind of abuse? How did I get to a place where I feel so bad about who I am that any scrap of affection from someone else was worth the degredation and humiliation that i've endured? How did I end up with someone that sees nothing wrong with malicious gossip about his own wife, that thinks of her as a joke and her dreams and ambitions as stupid. Then I wonder if i'm over reacting..was he "just venting" like he says and did those other people take it upon themselves to cross the line with thier own hateful words? But then if that's the case then why didn't he as my husband put them in their place and tell them to knock it off? Why would he continue a friendship with people that have so little respect for his wife and by extension his marriage and family? Why when I confront him about it does he not apologize for it but instead seek to turn it all around and make it my fault. How is it my fault that he chose to spread lies about me to his "friends" and then engage in bashing me in one of the most malicious verbal attacks that i've endured since I left home.
Even now he is acting like nothing is wrong..like we never had this discussion, like he never told me to "just get over it" and that he would cheat on me again if he felt like it would improve his financial situation.
It all comes back to fear. I'm so afraid my children will hate me for not staying with thier dad..and i'm afraid that they won't see that I put forth so much effort to save it only to find out that he was never taking it seriously to begin with.
I'm just so afraid!!

Hello my name is Bob

Don't call me mom, mommy, mama, or mamere. My new name is Bob. I've been trying for months now to teach Magnus to call me mama, to give me some kind of indication that he knows me for more than just the warm hands that change his diapers, feed him, clothe him, and bathe him. Every morning I start our routine with "Good morning Magnus mama says hello". I spend the rest of the day pointing to myself and saying mama, I try to throw mama into everything we do. Like mama is going to wash some dishes would you like to help? Mama is making you some lunch please be patient. Mama love you, mama this mama that ok even i'm getting tired of hearing mama. I've enlisted the aid of my pre-schooler and have told him to call me mama not mom, mommy, or mamere, but just mama. I've put my mouth right next to Magnus's ear and whispered mamamamamamamamamamamama over and over and over again. Repitition being the best form of learning and all that. Is it so bad that I want him to say mama? I mean he says dada and daddy, even though MAMA is the one that carried him and nourished him with her OWN BODY for nine months and then DELIVERED him, naturally I might add, all 9lbs 6ozs. of him and yet I get Bob! Don't get me wrong the fact that he addresses me at all is amazing since up till BOB I was just that person whose shirts he spit up on and whose shoulder and chest he snuggled into.
I suppose this is my payback for letting Gavin use his dads first name. In all truthfullness..Bob is not so bad..I mean I could be poo, or some other ambigious word. I could say that B.O.B. stands for Beautiful Observant Babe..yeah I like the sound of that..BOB it is!!

who I am

I've been given a lot of thought to who I am and where i come from and how my differances have both enriched my life and hindered it. I'm taking this human growth and development class and the instructor asks a lot of insightful questions. One question in particular has got me thinking deeper than i usually do. "given where you come from the culture and geographic location name twenty things you would do that someone else from another culture would not". It's a damn good question and I have to think long and hard about. You see i'm a cajun and in Louisiana that can mean a lot of things and none of them are good. If you wanted to be crass and vulgar you could call me a coonass as thats another word for cajun. Up until Emeril Lagasse made it big in the culinary world being a cajun was one step up from being white trash and there wasn't a close-minded fool in Louisiana that didn't let you forget it. My daddy was a drunk and he was often times abusive to my siblings and myself. I grew up all over this country with my daddies job in the asbestos union taking him and his family anywhere there was work. My mom liked it because she always wanted to travel and didn't think how the constant moving would affect her kids. I grew up in hotels, motels, campgrounds and even the back of our old deauce and a quarter (the first electric buick to ever come out on the market for those that don't know car lingo)I never knew what it was like to have childhood friends and the concept of staying in one place longer than a few months was as alien to me as mars.
I remember one time we were staying in this campground in North Dakota and we had to fish for our dinner. My older brother told me that there were bones buried in the cliffs and they were of old Indians and that if you removed them the spirits would rise up at night and steal your soul. I didn't sleep much at all that night I was terrified I'd die in my sleep. My dad wasn't always bad sometimes he could be fun and nice and caring. One time when we were camping at this place that had a sandy beach and a river he gathered us all around the campfire and told us scary stories until my mom made him stop because my older sisters were scared to death. I was like a starving child waiting for my daddy to pay some attention to me even if it was scary stories that scared the life out of me. I found that I loved stories and the radio as that was often time our only source of entertainment on the long road trips from one job site to the other. I got really good at mimicing voices that i heard on the radio and the old t.v. shows that came with the hotel t.v.s my favorite was always Mae West. she was so statusque and she didn't take crap off of nobody. She was bold and brassy all the things I wish that I was. I was bookish and quiet and did my absolute best to be invisible in my family. At the time it was the best course of action to avoid the "bad dad" as I came to call him when he was drunk or high.
then when i was six we moved to Arizona and we moved into an aparment. I thought we must be rich..lol. I remember we lived on cherry tree lane and that was a street in my favorite disney movie Mary Poppins. I thought any day now Mary Poppins would come to our house and she would be our nanny and she would teach my dad how to be good all the time. We went to school a real school for the first time and that was when i learned that I didn't know how to read. This was heartbreaking for me because I loved books. when I was little my mom told me that I would make her read to me all the time I would say "whats in this one mommy?" and she would read it to me. she said she would check out like four books from the library and I would have her read all of them to me over and over. I loved books I loved stories I loved dreaming about the people wrote them. I had so many stories inside my own head that the idea of writing them down and getting them out appealed to me. My mother had a hard time in school she suffered from what i now known as dyslexia and she was just tickled pink that she had a child that loved books as much as i did. She was a good mom actually she was the best thing in my life and I loved her more than anything in the world. I still love her more than anything in the world.I digress the point is that I have never really known who I am because I've never been able to figure it out. I think all people are a huge contradiction of themselves. We try to be more than we are and we either find a way to live with our faults or we drown ourselves in booze and drugs to get away from it all. Maybe i'm such a tee-totaller because of what I lived through. Maybe I want to be sober and deal with life and all it's hard edges because I want my boys to have a better life a better childhood than I ever had. Maybe I just want them to have a childhood. Whatever I am I hope it's what the Lord intended for me all the good and all the bad. I hope and pray that I can be the kind of person that Jesus just shines out from. I hope when people meet me or get to know me they see Jesus and not the tragedy of my upbringing because that is just a small part of me and I believe that the Lord put me in the family he did and the situations he did so that I could be the kind of christian that could reach out to others like me and help them find a way through the darkness like he helped me. I know that my life was unconventional and that "normal" will never define me as a person. I will never understand middle class people or suburbs or PTA parents. Those things will never make much sense to me and i'm ok with that. I will never understand the fascination with celebrities or gossip columns or even why people hero worship other people. People are just fallible that's the truth and it will never change. Only God is perfect and you know if you have to have dad well is there any other better than him?
I often wonder if when i'm hurting and in pain like now does God cry tears for me when I can't? Does he hurt for me as I hurt for my boys when bad things happen to them? I imagine he does and as selfish as that may be it helps me get through the bad times. Knowing that I have a father in heaven as I never had on earth helps me feel protected and sheltered and loved. I thank God every day that I have him in my life and in my soul and in my heart. I know that without him I would not be the person I am today and that no matter how bad things get all things work to the good of those that love the Lord, and I do love my Lord. I love him more than the earth loves the sun and the moon. I love him more than the flowers love the rain.
I thank God for all the wonderful people he's put on this earth to help me through things, friends like Elizabeth and Katie and Rochelle and Rolsa and Melissa. Every single soul that has touched mine has been for a reason and the reason wheather known or unknown has been special to me. I hope my friends know how much I appreciate them and thier kindness. I dont know if i'll ever be able to answer the instructors question with all honesty but I do know that I can answer some questions about myself.
I am a mother of two amazing little boys. I love them more than my own life and I will do just about anything to protect them. I am learning how to be a good wife a godly person and good friend. I am a Cajun from a poor white class family and I'm not ashamed of that. I love to learn and I love books and stories. I love to cook for people and I love to make people laugh. I value the things in life that money will never buy like Love, and friendship, and loyalty. I am not ashamed to live in an apartment or drive an old beat up van. I love my husband even when he's wrong and done wrong. I love working in education and helping other people achieve their dreams through education. I believe this world is big enough for everyone and thier differance and I am sorry other people can't see that but it will not change my outlook. I love art and history and archeology and I love my family my mom and dad and sisters and my brother. I think hate takes too much energy and i'm too lazy to indulge in it.
At the end of day I may not know who I am but I do know that I like what I'm becoming and I hope the Lord continues to shape me in his image and make me what HE wants me to be. I pray that His will be done and not mine and that I will have the humility and wisdom to accept his will in my life.
In Jesus name I pray AMEN.

http://twa.lk/4F0Im
I am thinking of getting my hair cut like the chick with the blue hair..only i'm not going to dye my hair blue..lol. I like how it's funky and kind of edgy but still withing realms of "not quite punk"..lol. I'm getting really excited and can't wait till Tuesday when I have my hair appointment to get it all chopped off. I was going to grow it out long but meh I like my hair short it's easier to maintain and when it's longer like it is now I usually just throw it back in a ponytail and go..not very attractive let me tell you. So if you have time follow the link and take a gander at the hair cut and leave my your thoughts i'd be interested to see what you think of it.

private number

So I got a call from a private number tonight. I debated about answering it as I don't usually pick up those types of calls but I thought it might be my sister calling to find out when me and the boys would be there so I answered the call. Imagine my surprise when all I hear is heavy breathing and some dude making retarded noises in the back ground. So I hung up. Then I got a call from Phillip and I asked him if he had just called me and he said no...debating whether or not to believe him..decide NOPE don't believe him..so I tell him i'm not interested in talking to liars and I tell him so. I hung up on that one too. He calls back but by now i'm well and truly pissed so I just ignore the call and I focus on putting my boys to bed for the night. I am now thinking of TrueBlood and how much I love these shows and how I wish I had a glass of red wine to sip on while I chill out on the couch and indulge my new t.v. obsession. The phone rings again I check it and it's that private number again...answer don't answer..answer don't answer...screw it I answered it. It's the same people doing the same thing so I think ok two can play at this game...so I go and find my halloween cd and put it on and i turn the volume up all the way..I put the phone right next to the speaker and set it to the famous psycho scream and let it blas the crap out of thier ear drums. Now i'm not feeling so pissed off..actually i'm doubled over with laughter. I hit the end call button turn off the cd and I pop my next episode of Trueblood into the dvd player...don't think those people will be calling me back anytime soon.

Bling Bling Baby!

My stepson stole and pawned my engagement ring a little over a year ago and i've had only my gold wedding band to wear for quite some time. Now I know what your thinking is this part where she tells us phillip bought her a new engagement ring? Uhhh no not really, actually not at all, this is the part where I tell you that i've been ring shopping for myself. Right now i'm just looking but I'm thinking maybe I deserve a little something shiny. Nothing too expensive or flashy because thats just not my style but Sams club actually has some really nice understated and relativly inexpensive jewelry. I especially love the ice blue topazs and I do have two boys soooo hmmmmmmmm I could see a nice small stone in my future. I'm thinking all that money I've been putting away and saving for Phillip and I to go on a three day weekend for his birthday would be better spent making up for the loss of my beautiful engagement ring. Maybe a ring or maybe a new hairstyle. I have always wanted to do something a bit more edgy, play with some different colors that I would not normally use, maybe try a different cut. Something cute and sporty and fun something very not momish. Yeah some retail therapy might do me some good. I'm to frugal by nature to splurge too much but well a little bit wouldn't be a bad thing right?

On it or under It

This was what Spartan women would say to their men before they departed for war. The saying meant that a spartan man was only to return to his home as a victor in battle or a deceased warrior who had fought bravely. Spartan women were some tough as nails women. They were bred this way by the culture they grew up in. They were never percieved as weaker than men or beneath men.

Many women played a significant role in the history of Sparta.[74] Queen Gorgo, heiress to the throne and the wife of Leonidas I, was an influential and well-documented figure. Herodotus records that as a small girl she advised her father Cleomenes to resist a bribe. She was later said to be responsible for decoding a warning that the Persian forces were about to invade Greece; after Spartan generals could not decode a wooden tablet covered in wax, she ordered them to clear the wax, revealing the warning.[75] Plutarch's Moralia contains a collection of "Sayings of Spartan Women", including a laconic quip attributed to Gorgo: when asked by a woman from Attica why Spartan women were the only women in the world who could rule men, she replied "Because we are the only women who are mothers of men".[76]
(Wickipedia)

In short Spartan women were some serious, hard core, women. You didn't mess with the Spartan women. They were just as feared in battle as the men and just as respected in thier society as them as well. Women were viewed and legally treated the same as a man. They could inherit property and rule the city-state. Of all the Greek city states Sparta was the most feared in battle and they enjoyed the peace that this reputation brought them well into the Roman Empire.

In a lot of ways I hold a deep respect for these women and thier place in history. I think it's fascinating that at a time in history when women were subjugated and treated as little more than property these Spartan women ascended above all of that. I have to take a moment and applaud the men of Sparta as well for realizing that strong women breed strong men and that more pride and ownership a woman can have in her own life the more beneficial it is to everyone. There are a lot of strong female leaders in our worlds history. Bodecia is often thought of as the original "Amazon Woman". She single handedly united the disorganized tribes of England and led them in force against the Roman Empires invasion of the island. She marched into battle at the front of the lines everytime and she was a SERIOUS force to be reckoned with. The Roman Empire almost lost their take over of the island mostly due in part to Bodecia's fierce protection and her sharp wits. Catherine Great of Russia, Queen Victoria, and many others have been a credit to thier sex and thier country and I firmly believe they should be celebrated as pioneers of the womens movement.

Why do I bring this up? What is the point of this blog? Simply this: We Women are made of stronger stuff than our men. I'm not saying men are weak they are good for other things like taking out the trash at night when it's cold, working on our cars, and getting that nasty hair ball that always seems to collect in the bathtub drain and of course killing the wayward mouse or rat *shivers* defitnly a job for men. But women are strong in other ways. We are the backbone of our houses and if men are the head then women are the neck. I think God designed us to be tough mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. It take some serious mental toughness to be a mother. It takes just as much to be a wife. We are responsible for so many other people we often forget to take care of ouselves. We need to stop doing that women we need to remember that even the Spartan women, and they were tough as nails, took time out of thier lives to just be.
I'm going home to New Orleans next weekend my boys and I will drive down on Friday night and my mom has told me she will take care of my boys for a few days so that I can just be myself. Not mom, not wife, not employee, just myself. It's been so long since I've been allowed to just be myself that i'm a little excited by the prospect. I know when I come back the "vacation" will be over and it will be back to work. Work as a mom, work as a wife, an work as an employee. In the meantime i'm going to look forward to Mardi Gras and my little unexpected vacation from my life.

All is quiet

the boys are both asleep so i've spent my time thinking and reading. I'm glad I took the counselors suggestion and got the book After the Affair. Just having all the things i'm dealing with put down in words and being able to read them has helped the most. I took the books advice and I arranged to meet Phillip for a short lunch. We went to DQ so that Gavin could go off and play. We didn't discuss anything but the boys, the household stuff, and his job. We kept it to topics that we both felt safe discussing. No matter what he's done to me he has always been a good dad to the boys and he honestly (haha honestly)does love them. I'm glad he got to spend some time with them and it did me good to see him and the boys together. It reminds me how much we have to lose if we both just give up and walk away. I'm not ready to do that. I know that for sure. I want to forgive him but he's going to have to work hard for forgivness i'm not God and I can't just forgive and forget. I know that the time i've spent on my knees praying, crying, cursing, and everything in between is necessary. I know it's got to be done all of these issues will need to be addressed between the two of us. Big changes are coming for our relationship I hope and pray the Lord will lead Phillip down the right path I pray he will instill him a righteous heart and a heart of forgiveness. Yes a heart of forgivness he will need to find a way to forgive himself for what he's done before he can move forward. He has a lot of work to do as well. As for me i'm trying to heal i'm trying to find a non destructive path through this barren landscape. I hope what they say is true and the grass will be greener on the other side. I can't help but think this may be the catalyst that is needed to forge a closer, tighter, more stable relationship between the two of us. Maybe that is wishful thinking and maybe the outcome will not be what I want but as my Granny always says "no need to borrow trouble today has enough of it's own". Having a hopeful outlook and being as positive as I can be has always served me well in the past here's to hoping it serves me well in the present and the future.

Pride and other non-essentials

I spoke to Phillip on the phone last night after the boys both went to bed. I thought about not taking his phone call and being petty and mean but luckily for him I had just finished praying and talking to God. I knew that if I wanted to heal my own heart and find some comfort in my own mind I would need to take the hight road. That doesn't mean I let him off easy by any means but I think or at least I hope that i've moved past the "gut reaction" phase and into "think before you speak" phase of my anger and grief. I know because I've talked a counselor that there is a lot of work inside myself that has to be done. I know that if he is serious about making this marriage work and is truly sorry for what he did then he is going to have to spend a long time proving with his actions and his words that he is worthy of my trust and love. So he called and after the fifth ring I had the courage to pick up the phone and talk to him. I said a silent prayer to Jesus that he would give me the wisdom and words to help and heal and not to destroy and hurt. I prayed that the Holy Spirit would take control of my thoughts words and deeds and that no matter what when I hung up this phone I would know that I had done the right and said the right thing. In other words I shoved my Pride as far down as I could and I put my children in the front of my mind and prepared to be assertive and not combative. Having him out of the house for the past few days has certaintly helped me to work through a lot of the negative emotions and being able to talke to him without having to see him was a blessing in disguise.
He started the conversation off with trying to be a flirt and I told him that I honestly don't know how to take that. I told him that because of his actions and his choices I can't believe anything he says even if it's just "i'm going to the store to buy milk". I was calm and collected and not an emotional wreck over the phone. It's lovely when God answers your prayers like immiedatly haha. I have to say that as much I may not like him right now and even at timeshate him this time apart has shown me that it is still him that I want a marriage with and it is still him that I want to share my life with. He of course is not going to hear this from me yet...after all this is all still so new and i'm still processing and dealing with the after effects of the nuclear fall out. This realization is for me and me alone and it serves to strengthen my resolve in the darkest times. Knowing that for myself helps to make me more willingly to talk to him and it even helps to make me more inclined to seek counseling. We talked for about two hours at first he tried to defend what he did to me but after about 30 minutes of me explaining to him that there is not excuse for what he did and that his trying to excuse was insulting to say the least he seemed to have caught on that he wasn't going to sweet talk his way out of this situation and he started to man up.
I told him how what he did made me feel about myself and I explained to him that no one should ever be made to feel that way about themselves especially not from the person that says they Love you and wants to spend the rest of thier lives with you. I had a few choice words for the "other" woman and to his credit he didn't try to defend her to me. I defintly did most of the talking and he did most of the apologizing which in my not so humble opinion is exactly as it should have been. I can say that when I hung up that phone I felt stronger and more in control of myself and my emotions for the first time in days I was able to sleep without nightmares and I even managed to eat a piece a fruit and keep it down. Yeah I know it's still dark days ahead but now at least I have a tiny bit of hope that maybe just maybe I can come out of this situation a better mom a better person and with enough counseling even maybe a better marriage.

Trauma to the heart

My parents have been married a long time. I know it was not always easy, I know because they had no problem arguing in front of us and we were witness to quite a few knock down drag out fights some resulting in all of us kids climbing out a bedroom window to go stay the night at a hotel or motel. I can remember being scared everytime that this was the one that would result in us splitting our time between two homes. As i got older and was able to reason on a deeper level I began to wish that my mom would just leave him already so we could have peace for once. I never realized full and in depth just how much hurt and willpower and divine forgiveness for my dad my mom had to go through to keep her family together.
Now I find that i'm in a situation where I am facing the same decisions she had to face. To forgive and move forward together as a couple or to leave and pick up the pieces on my own. Phillip has done a lot of not nice things to me in the past but I've always been able to search my heart and search the word of God and find forgiveness. I've always made the effort to work it out to find a way to keep my family together. Now he has done something that even the Lord says is grounds for divorce and I can not find it my heart to forgive. My heart is so broken my soul is seriously damaged and I do not think I can find a way to keep it all together. I struggle everyday to put a good face on in front of my kids to not let them know how bad things are but i'm taking a lot of showers so I can cry. I'm unable to eat and unable to sleep because the thought of what he did makes me ill it makes me sick to my stomach and when I close my eyes to sleep I see the pictures and the videos and the nightmares begin. I am so hurt so fucking hurt and so so so angry!!! when I think of all the work and all of the help financial and otherwise and all of the time that i've spent on this relationship and this marriage and all the times i've swallowed my own pride and put his well being before mine I just want to SCREAM!!!!!

I have never felt pain like this before it emotional and physical and soul-aching. The worst part of it all is he's not even sorry. Oh yeah he said the words that he was sorry and he said he didn't want a divorce but is he willing to do what it takes to fix what he broke?! NO! He is liar, a two timing liar and a killer of the heart and I wish he would get hit by a bus. I wish the Lord would take vengeance on my behalf and make him hurt as much as he's hurt me. I am so mixed up and confused and hurt and angry. I go back and forth between rage and sadness and numbness. On one hand I wish I had never found those videos and pictures I wish I was ignorant and everything could be like it was and on the other hand I wish all of this ugliness was behind me and I could just skip this whole thing and be on the other side.
I feel so humilated and STUPID!!!! I feel like a fat ugly loser. And then I hate him for making me feel that way and I hate that because if his bad choices my life is the one that is affected by it and I hate him for doing this to our kids. I do not know how to deal with all these emotions i'm not used to feeling this kind of hate for anyone least of all the person I promised to spend the rest of my life with.
Oh God I do not know what your plan for my life is or where i'm supposed to go from here. If a person hurts this much shouldn't they be dead from it? I talked to a counselor on the phone yesterday she suggested I get this book called After the Affair but just between you me and the fence post I don't really care to read anything right now. I'm pretty tired of people telling me that I have to find a way to forgive him. I don't want to fogive him I don't want to have anything to do with him and I for damn sure don't want to think anything nice about him. He thinks he can text me flirty texts on the phone and i'll just crumble and take him back. WRONG and it's insulting that he thinks telling me i'm hot or telling me i'm so great is going to be enough to make me forgive him. He has a lot to be responsible for and unless he's willing to own his mistake and do what it takes EVERYTHING it takes his lying ass can just stay gone!!!

nutrition confusion

I am forever trying to lose weight..I feel like i've been fighting the battle of the bulge my whole life. This is really not the case as i've seen pictures of myself from elementary and high school and I was actually a very healthy and fit child and adolescent. I don't understand where it all went wrong for me. I've tried to pin point exactly the time and place that I went from "healthy" to "way not healthy" and I just can't figure it out. The year before I got pregnant with my second son I had gotten serious about getting healthy. I wasn't concerned about being thin and gorgeous I just wanted to be healthy. So I joined sparkpeople and I got serious about counting my calories and started the slow process of changing what and how I ate. It took me about a year to lose 60lbs but I lost them in a healthy way and I was proud of myself for sticking to it for so long.

Now I've had Magnus he's going to be 8 month old soo and I have 100lbs that I would like to shed. As ALWAYS nurtition is my downfall. It has always been to hard for me make those healthy choices when i'm at home. When i'm at work I feel like people are always watching me and my co-workers and my boss's are very supportive of thier staff so eating healthy at work was never a problem. I would pack my lunches and breakfast and two snacks and i'd do real well during the day..then i'd get home and blow the whole enchilada!! I'm determined NOT to do that this time. I know that I do enough exercise in a day to lose weight I also know that my nutrition really needs some work. So i'm SLOWLY changing how I eat and i'm making it a game of sorts to see how many colors of the rainbow I can eat in a day. I kind of sort of know that principle of healthy nutrition but really i'm pretty clueless. thing that I thought were good for you turned out to not be so good after all. So to that end I am seriously contemplating calling my health insurance and seeing if they cover nutritionists I mean they should they cover Jenny Craig. Then I'd like to check into some of the health and wellness classes that are offered through St.Johns Medical. I would like to be at least 20lbs lighter by this summer and I think this is doable.

I have two blogs. One on here and one on myspace. I've been blogging for a while now though I go through dry spells like anyone, and I've often wondered about the vanity that must be involved in "blogging". I get the advertising side of it..it's good fodder for creative writers. They can "connect" with thier fans and experiment with material while also advertising thier new books. What about the rest of us though? What possess perfectly run of the mill ordinary everyday people to blog? I'm sure there are those that do it to stay in touch with family that's far away and i'm just as sure that there are those that will claim it's therapeautic. Sort of an exorcising the demons sort of thing. I myself am far to self aware to paint a pretty picture as to why I blog. I am vain..plain and simple. I have a great appreciation for my god given talen with words. I've been told by too many people and for far too long that this is my true gift..not just writing but storytelling and yes there's a difference. Anyone with a basic understanding of their language can write. Storytelling is something else entirely. Think about all those authors that make the top ten best sellers list..why are they up there? Because they can tell a story in such a way that it appeals to a large variety of people. It's no secret people love a good story. It's an escape from our dreary dull everyday lives. I've spent a lot of sime thinking about it. Why when one person tells a story about her kids and family it's cute or endearing but it's not one of the top sellers. Yet take that same story and give it to someone with a talent for words and phrases and the story becomes something that is so much more. It's gripping and magical and relatable. Am I so vain to think i'm in a league with those storytellers? oh hell no! It would be beyond vain and into the realm of self delusion to believe such a thing. First off i've no idea how to write a whole complete novel. I've tried before in the past but the formula is just like a mystery to me. My talent is raw and untried hence why I blog. it's a short story a brief glimpse into my otherwise pretty uneventful life. I do love to write..no matter what else is going on in my life I can always run away into the pages of a book or write those pages myself and create a whole lovely and adverturous world for me to play in.
I do play in my imaginary world. I suspect there are many authors especially the ones that write seriel books who do the same. Once you find a favorite place to live in your head you want to visit it as often as you can feasibly get away with. This is the allure and the attraction to many to want to become a writer. I love to write but i'm not "in love" with writing. I have a sneaking suspicion that if I was forced to meet deadlines that my love for writing would dry up and vanish and i'd be left bitter and resentful that my favorite past-time had been taken away.
So back to my original thought. Why do people blog? Why has it become to amazingly popular? When I first started blogging it was relativly new and unheard of. It was like an online diary that people could go to write out their feelings with much stronger security than a simple lock on a book. Then someone came along and had the brilliant idea to make a place for people to leave comments. I suspect these same people thought a lot of themselves and wanted to see if others thought the same about them. Ok I might be just a teensy bit over doing it there. I'm sure they had much more noble reasons thant this, though i can't think of any right now, to put that comments box in. My point is this..once the comments box was there blogging took a whole life of it's own. I love writing a piece and then checking to see what others think of it. I like knowing that what i'm going through matters to someone other than me. I like knowing that there are people who care enough about what i'm saying to read it and leave a note. whether they agree or disagree is the same to me. I'm not threatened by ideas different than my own and I value another perspective of the same situation. Mostly I like that place in my head that i go to play in so much that I want to invite others to play with me too. After all we are social creatures. So now you know why I blog, what I want to know is, why do you blog?