movies and babies don't mix!

I decided today I would take Gavin and Magnus to see the new Shrek movie. I had a gift card to Wehrenberg theatre that would cover the cost of the tickets so it would be a free day of fun for us. Oh it was a hug disaster!!! I am so glad I did not pay actual money for those tickets I got to see five minutes of the movie and Magnus decided what he had to talk about was may more interesting than Shrek. At first it was just his usual babbling and was being very quiet so I was whispering back to him. Then he decided he needed to be "heard" by everyone and started doing his baby scream.I jumped up from my seat and tried to calm him down but no luck so I went outside the theater door and told Gavin to stay put and watch his movie. Once we were outside the theatre door Magnus quieted down and wanted to get down and crawl around. I let him do this for a bit and then picked him back up and went to check on Gavin..who decided that sitting in the aisle was way more fun than sitting in his seat. I put him back and Magnus started "singing" to the music..lots of "shhh and be quiets" from the crowd so back out the door I went and i just opened the door periodically to check on Gavin. Magnus was so not ok with this he wanted to get down and crawl all over the theatre..no no no..this floor is yucky no crawling on it. To this he screamed his dissaprovel for all to hear. Did I mention that Magnus throws fits now? Yeah they learn that early when they have an older sibling to teach them how..he puts his whole body on the floor and kicks and screams until he gets what he wants.Usually at home I just ignore the temper tantrum until he calms down but in a theatre this is not so easy to do..sooo back out the door we went. I spent the entire movie in outside the door and just peaked in at Gavin to make sure he was ok..I will not be making this mistake again..next time Magnus stays home with daddy or we don't go to the theatre..consider this Lesson learned. It's so odd because Gavin was never like this. He has always been able to sit still during a performance. I remember when he was two and half Phillip got tickets to the Fox to see CATS and we had seats right up front by the orchestra..the other people looked upset that we had such a young child with us but Gavin sat in my lap through the entire production and made not one single peep. I did not think this was odd for a toddler but the people around us were very impressed that he didn't make a whole lot of noise. I remember one older couple made it a point to tell us how well behaved he was and I was like "well yeah what did you expect him to make a fuss and throw a fit?"..now I understand that Gavin was uncommonly good during that production most children his age would have lost patience with it and been antsy and yes even have thrown a fit to leave...just like Magnus..who I have to keep reminding myself is a NORMAL child and Gavin is exceptional in that regard. Two more different children could not exist in the same house..lol. Yet Magnus will sit quietly and be read too and Gavin wants to ask a million and one questions during the story..go figure.

movies

I dont know about you all but when I have movie night at my house it includes the movie, the drink, and of course the snacks. This may be a hold over from childhood being the middle child of 7 kids meant we did not get to go to the movies all that often. Instead what we had was movie night. Usually every friday that my dad got paid my parents would order pizza, rent movies, and buy soda (consequently this was the ONLY time we had soda in the house)so it was a very special treat and so exciting! To this day when I have movie night at my house it is the same thing..we may not order pizza since I can no longer eat that stuff but we will make our own pizza's, I'll buy soda's for everyone, and we make popcorn and rent movies or watch a movie that's coming on t.v.
Today it was too hot for playing outside for Magnus and the pool is still locked up so no swimming outside either..but thanks to ABC family there is a Harry Potter weekend Marathon going on! Woohoo this means we can have special indoor movie time and it will still feel like a fun weekend!!
Now time to get off the computer and enjoy movie time with my special guys!

Talk about God being techno savvy!!

Next time I pray for God to speak to me and give me courage i'm going to ask that he e-mail just like he did today!! LOL


Sometimes we wonder, 'What did I do to deserve this?' or 'Why did God have to do this to me?'
Here is a wonderful explanation! A daughter is telling her Mother how everything is going wrong,
she's failing algebra, her boyfriend broke up with her and her best friend is moving away.
Meanwhile, her Mother is baking a cake and asks her daughter if she would like a snack, and the
daughter says, 'Absolutely Mom, I love your cake.' 'Here, have some cooking oil,' her Mother offers.
'Yuck' says her daughter. 'How about a couple raw eggs?' 'Gross, Mom!'
'Would you like some flour then? Or maybe baking soda?' 'Mom, those are all yucky!'
To which the mother replies: 'Yes, all those things seem bad all by themselves. But when they
are put together in the right way, they make a wonderfully delicious cake! '
God works the same way. Many times we wonder why He would let us go through such bad and
difficult times. But God knows that when He puts these things all in His order, they always
work for good! We just have to trust Him and, eventually, they will all make something wonderful!

God is crazy about you. He sends you flowers every spring and a sunrise every morning. Whenever you
want to talk, He'll listen. He can live anywhere in the universe, and He chose your heart.

something for everyone

I dont usually do book reviews mainly because I have an rather bad obsession with reading. I could read a road map and find it interesting..LOL. One day while I was bored I roamed the shelf of the free books at work and settled on this book called Savannah Blues and it is written by Mary Kay Andrews. The back of the book pretty much says it all, A book about Divorce, Revenge, and Great Antiques, the premise of the story is a woman who has divorced her cheating ex and the "other woman" moves into the house that she lovingly restored to it's pristine condition. Later at the estate sale of the century the main character goes in search of a bathroom and ends up breaking into the old antebellum house where the estate sale is being held and find the dead body of the "other woman". She is arrested for murder but gets out on bail and a whole host of crazy stuff goes on while she tries to solve the murder and find out whose making copies of the original antique furniture and trying to pass it off as originals. It's funny, thrilling, and an all around good read. I will defintly be picking up more of her books in the future.

God opened a door

I peeked around the corner of that door and yep sure enough it was hell in the hallway.
Do you remember that story in the bible the one where the Isrealite king goes and consults with a witch about wether or not they will win this big battle that's come in up even though God already told him they would win. I used to read that story and think "what a dope you've got God himself telling you "you will win this battle" and still you are going to a witch for what? confirmation?" Bah what an idiot I used to think you got what you deserved second guessing God like that. This is where the story of "he who has no sin cast the first stone" comes into play. I was wrong to think that way about that king in the bible because now I finally understand the desperation that comes from NOT KNOWING!!!
First i'm supposed to be moving myself and my boys into our new apartment soon and when I go to the leasing office to sign the rest of the papers I find out they leased my apartment to someone else by mistake. So now I have no apartment I did get my deposit back though since they didn't have another one open they could rent to me. Ok i'm upset this is a rather huge set back but I'm thinking no problem I'm sure God has a reason for this happening..i'm repeating my current mantra of "all things happen for a reason and all things work to the good of those that love the Lord".
I go to pick Phillip up from work and he's really ticked off so I do my usual thing of late and I pretend he doesn't exist. He starts telling me about why he's so mad and I realize it's the same song and dance i've heard about his job since i've met him so I tune him out. That was a mistake because I then realize this is a segway into him telling me that his daughter called him at work to tell him that she found drugs in her moms and stepdads closet and she asked her friends mom to come over and tell her what it was. So of course the friends mom comes over and confirms that yes this is drugs of the illegal sort and the mom calls phillip to tell him what she's found. So now not only is Phillip ticked about this bull hockey at work but the real reason he's so ticked off is that this woman and her husband have been doing drugs in the same house where his kids are.
I know I say a lot of bad things about Phillip and they are justly earned and deserved but one thing no one will ever hear me say is that he's a bad father. Phillip is a fantastic dad who always puts his kids wealfare ahead of his own..too bad that particular trait is absent in the husband department but I digress.
So now i'm ticked off why you ask? because these children have come to mean a lot to me and even if they didn't mean a lot to me bad parenting just pisses me off in general..it's the principle of the thing ya know. So back to this little snafu..this particular friends mom is a friend of mine that I made it a point to befriend when I found out that Andrea was hanging out with her daughter. Hey just because we live six hours away in another state doesn't mean we don't keep tabs on the kids. Of course we drove out and met with this particular friend and her mom on one of our trips to Tennessee and while Phil was over there feeling sorry for himself because he had to return the kids to the Ex I let my natural ingrained southern charm do it thang and I made sure to get the dibs. The point is that Ursula is now one of my friends and she's keeps me informed on what the girls do, where they go, and whats up with them on a general basis. So when the shit hit the fan with the whole drugs thing Ursula called me not realizing that Phillip had my cell phone that night because his was dead at home. It turned out to be a good thing since it's his problem not mine and i've been on him to make friends with Ursula so he could keep track of Andrea and what's going on over there. Many many many phone calls later we find out the stepdad lied about having a job in Tennessee, he doesn't have a job at all and he sits at home all day spoking pot and the kids are eating at Ursulas house because there's not food in thier house and Andrea has been wearing Ursula's daughters clothes to school because her mom never has any money to buy the kids clothes (probably because she's spending it all on drugs and her loser husband) and no one seems to know where the child support money is going. Hellooo probably to buy drugs for the loser husband.
So now where does that leave me and my boys? We can't move out because we have no apartment now.
Andrea and David are going to need counseling to cope with all this upheavel in thier lives and Phillip doesn't have health insurance to cover that cost.
I feel like a heel moving out and leaving Andrea and David with just another broken home to go to.
Of course to be fair I already feel like failure in my marriage and I was already feeling bad about our two kids together being children of "divorce" so I guess feeling like a heel about this is just one more bad feeling.
Sure wish there was a crystal ball around I could look into and know exactly what I'm supposed to do when i'm supposed to do it..instead of groping around in the dark like a blind man in a dark alley with no walking stick.
Oh well back to my mantra "All things work to the good of those that love the Lord..oooommmm...All things happen for a reason..ooommm".

lying cheating bastard say what??

Ok so I watch a lot of Disney channel Gavin is in boy love with Hannah Montana thus the title of this post. The cat is out of the bag I told phillip I was going to see a lawyer to file for divorce. I had to tell him since the lease is up in June and obviously we won't be living here another year..this momma can't afford this rent on her own. Long story short he did not believe me at first...until the lawyer called the house to schedule a follow up appointment with me. Then you should have seen his face..I'm pretty sure a light breeze would have knocked him over. I will never understand how people can be so manipulative, and demeaning, and rude and then be surprised when people stand up to them. I'm like really?? you're surprised? why? Unlike you I do not tell lies to manipulate you into getting what I want. Unlike you divorce is not a joke to me or something to be thrown around as a threat everytime I don't like what you have to say to me. So now he is afraid..he is scared that I will take the boys away from him forever and move back to louisiana, and I have to say the thought did cross my mind, I told him just because you didn't do marriage well doesn't mean we have to divorce worst. I told him I think he's a good dad and I think he genuinely cares for his kids and because of that I wouldn't harm my own children by taking them away from him. I told him his actions in the next few months will determine what course of action I seek in custody. I told him the gloves come off..that spitfire, strong willed woman that you supposedly fell in love, yeah well I rediscovered her so hold onto your britches because the person that would do anything to keep her marriage together while you played games behind her back is gone, G-O-N-E.
right now he is sucking up to me...as in waaayyy sucking up to me...but I know this tactic. First you abuse then you apologize and suck up..yep been there done that got the lousy t-shirt. I told him he could be as nice as he wanted but unless he had a real, solid, concrete reason why I should give him even a second thought he was just wasting his time. We are keeping our conversations to late at night while the kids are asleep because hellooo don't need to traumatize them anymore than necessary. I told him he was just perpetuating the exact same kind of abuse that his own parents put each other and him through when he was a kid, that unless and until he was ready to accept his wrong doing and actually get some help ON HIS OWN because i'm done wasting my time and effort on him, that I was not interested. I told him I didn't leave home at 16 to escape an abusive dad and go through years of therapy to break my own cycle of abuse to be someone else's victim. He rolled his eyes and did a lot of huffing and puffing and I told him "see that action right there is what lets me know that you not only don't care for me as a person, but you have no respect for the sanctity of marriage or what how to treat another person". He stopped blabbering after that. I prayed for days and fasted this whole weekend and spent it in prayer and the word asking the Lord to give me the words to heal and not to harm. I don't know if it worked..but I felt healed, I felt that I had taken back some of what his actions had stolen from me. I still feel lost in the desert and I still feel disoriented and defeated but now I can lay the responsability of where it belongs and that in and of itself is a sort of freedom.
So Phillip has asked that I hold off on filing for divorce that I give him a few months to go through therapy and see if he can change for the better. Problem for me is i've already been down this path with him and he didn't take it seriously, it's a lot like dealing with an addict, they will try rehab unsuccessfully many times before it sticks. I told him I wasn't comfortable with that idea..that I believed that until I made good on my promise to leave he would never take me or this marraige seriously and that if by getting a divorce means that he gets serious about getting help then I was prepared to do that. I told him I wasn't so sure there was a reconciliation in our future because once you've pushed me to that limit there really truly is no going back for me. Up till that point i'm a very flexible person, I will work with you and forgive you, and move on from there but once you've crossed the line you've crossed and there is no going back..that's when the rigid, iron-willed, independant woman that I am rears her ugly head and puts you down and out. So will I forgive him for what's he done to me? yeah probably but not for his sake, i'll forgive him for my own sake and for my children's sake. Simply put forgiving him means that bitterness does not have a chance to take root in my sould and spread like a weed, it means that I can take the moral high ground and know that the Lord is in me and that his love is shining through me and that my children will not be as traumatized as an ugly knock down drag out divorce can be. So yeah for my sake and my childrens sake I'll find a way to forgive him and until then we'll just have to fake it till we make it.

I did a bad bad thing..

I did not cook dinner...*GASP!!* I fed Gavin a PB&J and gave him a glass of milk then I played with Magnus and gave him a bath then sent his squirrelly cheek self off to bed. Now i'm not cleaning my house, i'm not cooking dinner, i'm at home and the t.v. is NOT on some kid show, and i've put Gavin to bed. The house is quiet, Phildo is at work, and I have a nice glass of pinot grigio in front of me. I've taken a nice hot bath, thought about shaving my legs then changed my mind..LOL. Now i'm just sitting in front of my computer enjoying the fact that for right now at this minute there are no immidiate demands on me. This feeling is so very rare and unheard of that it feels almost alien..I feel like i'm on some mini-vacation and at any second Eric Northman is going to be bring me one of those cute little drinks with an umbrella in it. The only thing that would make this better is if some of my SLM friends were here with me on my own private beach with the sun and the sand and the cute men serving us drinks.
yeah I did a bad bad thing and it feels good good good!

360

Here I am again. This blog is becoming my repository for all things negative which is not what i intended to be. I just have so much that has happened to me in such a short amount of time I feel like i've been hit with a tsunami. In February Phillip confessed to cheating on me. Now in May i've found that he has betrayed me again. Not in the same sense but a betrayal just the same. I am heartsore and weary. I can not even talk or think about what he has done without wanting to be sick and throw up. My good friend Mary a christian woman that my own kids refer to as Grandma Mary asked me what was wrong and i could not even open my mouth and speak the words. All I could do was sit there like a loser and cry and stare off into space. The worst part of the whole situation is the fear. Fear of being a single mother with two little children, fear of how i'll provide for them financially, fear of where we will live and how we will live, fear of the effect it will have them psychologically and emotionally, fear of what other people will say about me behind my back, just fear..crippling and over riding fear. I have contacted a family attorney talked to him and made an appointment to come in and see him. Already a mere few days after the discovery of the new betrayal i'm second guessing every decision i've ever made in life. I'm desperatly seeking to know what God's plan is. Does he intend for me to get divorced? Is this the plan for my life? Was i ever intended to marry him in the first place or did I not listen to God and screw this whole thing up?
There are all these questions that need to be answered.
Where will we live?
How will i afford it?
Who will take care of my children while i'm at work?
How will I afford childcare?
Then there's the personal questions. How did I get here? Was I looking too hard to find someone that wasn't physically abusive, an alcoholic, or a drug addict like my own dad that I completly missed the signs of another kind of abuse? How did I get to a place where I feel so bad about who I am that any scrap of affection from someone else was worth the degredation and humiliation that i've endured? How did I end up with someone that sees nothing wrong with malicious gossip about his own wife, that thinks of her as a joke and her dreams and ambitions as stupid. Then I wonder if i'm over reacting..was he "just venting" like he says and did those other people take it upon themselves to cross the line with thier own hateful words? But then if that's the case then why didn't he as my husband put them in their place and tell them to knock it off? Why would he continue a friendship with people that have so little respect for his wife and by extension his marriage and family? Why when I confront him about it does he not apologize for it but instead seek to turn it all around and make it my fault. How is it my fault that he chose to spread lies about me to his "friends" and then engage in bashing me in one of the most malicious verbal attacks that i've endured since I left home.
Even now he is acting like nothing is wrong..like we never had this discussion, like he never told me to "just get over it" and that he would cheat on me again if he felt like it would improve his financial situation.
It all comes back to fear. I'm so afraid my children will hate me for not staying with thier dad..and i'm afraid that they won't see that I put forth so much effort to save it only to find out that he was never taking it seriously to begin with.
I'm just so afraid!!