who I am

I've been given a lot of thought to who I am and where i come from and how my differances have both enriched my life and hindered it. I'm taking this human growth and development class and the instructor asks a lot of insightful questions. One question in particular has got me thinking deeper than i usually do. "given where you come from the culture and geographic location name twenty things you would do that someone else from another culture would not". It's a damn good question and I have to think long and hard about. You see i'm a cajun and in Louisiana that can mean a lot of things and none of them are good. If you wanted to be crass and vulgar you could call me a coonass as thats another word for cajun. Up until Emeril Lagasse made it big in the culinary world being a cajun was one step up from being white trash and there wasn't a close-minded fool in Louisiana that didn't let you forget it. My daddy was a drunk and he was often times abusive to my siblings and myself. I grew up all over this country with my daddies job in the asbestos union taking him and his family anywhere there was work. My mom liked it because she always wanted to travel and didn't think how the constant moving would affect her kids. I grew up in hotels, motels, campgrounds and even the back of our old deauce and a quarter (the first electric buick to ever come out on the market for those that don't know car lingo)I never knew what it was like to have childhood friends and the concept of staying in one place longer than a few months was as alien to me as mars.
I remember one time we were staying in this campground in North Dakota and we had to fish for our dinner. My older brother told me that there were bones buried in the cliffs and they were of old Indians and that if you removed them the spirits would rise up at night and steal your soul. I didn't sleep much at all that night I was terrified I'd die in my sleep. My dad wasn't always bad sometimes he could be fun and nice and caring. One time when we were camping at this place that had a sandy beach and a river he gathered us all around the campfire and told us scary stories until my mom made him stop because my older sisters were scared to death. I was like a starving child waiting for my daddy to pay some attention to me even if it was scary stories that scared the life out of me. I found that I loved stories and the radio as that was often time our only source of entertainment on the long road trips from one job site to the other. I got really good at mimicing voices that i heard on the radio and the old t.v. shows that came with the hotel t.v.s my favorite was always Mae West. she was so statusque and she didn't take crap off of nobody. She was bold and brassy all the things I wish that I was. I was bookish and quiet and did my absolute best to be invisible in my family. At the time it was the best course of action to avoid the "bad dad" as I came to call him when he was drunk or high.
then when i was six we moved to Arizona and we moved into an aparment. I thought we must be rich..lol. I remember we lived on cherry tree lane and that was a street in my favorite disney movie Mary Poppins. I thought any day now Mary Poppins would come to our house and she would be our nanny and she would teach my dad how to be good all the time. We went to school a real school for the first time and that was when i learned that I didn't know how to read. This was heartbreaking for me because I loved books. when I was little my mom told me that I would make her read to me all the time I would say "whats in this one mommy?" and she would read it to me. she said she would check out like four books from the library and I would have her read all of them to me over and over. I loved books I loved stories I loved dreaming about the people wrote them. I had so many stories inside my own head that the idea of writing them down and getting them out appealed to me. My mother had a hard time in school she suffered from what i now known as dyslexia and she was just tickled pink that she had a child that loved books as much as i did. She was a good mom actually she was the best thing in my life and I loved her more than anything in the world. I still love her more than anything in the world.I digress the point is that I have never really known who I am because I've never been able to figure it out. I think all people are a huge contradiction of themselves. We try to be more than we are and we either find a way to live with our faults or we drown ourselves in booze and drugs to get away from it all. Maybe i'm such a tee-totaller because of what I lived through. Maybe I want to be sober and deal with life and all it's hard edges because I want my boys to have a better life a better childhood than I ever had. Maybe I just want them to have a childhood. Whatever I am I hope it's what the Lord intended for me all the good and all the bad. I hope and pray that I can be the kind of person that Jesus just shines out from. I hope when people meet me or get to know me they see Jesus and not the tragedy of my upbringing because that is just a small part of me and I believe that the Lord put me in the family he did and the situations he did so that I could be the kind of christian that could reach out to others like me and help them find a way through the darkness like he helped me. I know that my life was unconventional and that "normal" will never define me as a person. I will never understand middle class people or suburbs or PTA parents. Those things will never make much sense to me and i'm ok with that. I will never understand the fascination with celebrities or gossip columns or even why people hero worship other people. People are just fallible that's the truth and it will never change. Only God is perfect and you know if you have to have dad well is there any other better than him?
I often wonder if when i'm hurting and in pain like now does God cry tears for me when I can't? Does he hurt for me as I hurt for my boys when bad things happen to them? I imagine he does and as selfish as that may be it helps me get through the bad times. Knowing that I have a father in heaven as I never had on earth helps me feel protected and sheltered and loved. I thank God every day that I have him in my life and in my soul and in my heart. I know that without him I would not be the person I am today and that no matter how bad things get all things work to the good of those that love the Lord, and I do love my Lord. I love him more than the earth loves the sun and the moon. I love him more than the flowers love the rain.
I thank God for all the wonderful people he's put on this earth to help me through things, friends like Elizabeth and Katie and Rochelle and Rolsa and Melissa. Every single soul that has touched mine has been for a reason and the reason wheather known or unknown has been special to me. I hope my friends know how much I appreciate them and thier kindness. I dont know if i'll ever be able to answer the instructors question with all honesty but I do know that I can answer some questions about myself.
I am a mother of two amazing little boys. I love them more than my own life and I will do just about anything to protect them. I am learning how to be a good wife a godly person and good friend. I am a Cajun from a poor white class family and I'm not ashamed of that. I love to learn and I love books and stories. I love to cook for people and I love to make people laugh. I value the things in life that money will never buy like Love, and friendship, and loyalty. I am not ashamed to live in an apartment or drive an old beat up van. I love my husband even when he's wrong and done wrong. I love working in education and helping other people achieve their dreams through education. I believe this world is big enough for everyone and thier differance and I am sorry other people can't see that but it will not change my outlook. I love art and history and archeology and I love my family my mom and dad and sisters and my brother. I think hate takes too much energy and i'm too lazy to indulge in it.
At the end of day I may not know who I am but I do know that I like what I'm becoming and I hope the Lord continues to shape me in his image and make me what HE wants me to be. I pray that His will be done and not mine and that I will have the humility and wisdom to accept his will in my life.
In Jesus name I pray AMEN.