All is quiet

the boys are both asleep so i've spent my time thinking and reading. I'm glad I took the counselors suggestion and got the book After the Affair. Just having all the things i'm dealing with put down in words and being able to read them has helped the most. I took the books advice and I arranged to meet Phillip for a short lunch. We went to DQ so that Gavin could go off and play. We didn't discuss anything but the boys, the household stuff, and his job. We kept it to topics that we both felt safe discussing. No matter what he's done to me he has always been a good dad to the boys and he honestly (haha honestly)does love them. I'm glad he got to spend some time with them and it did me good to see him and the boys together. It reminds me how much we have to lose if we both just give up and walk away. I'm not ready to do that. I know that for sure. I want to forgive him but he's going to have to work hard for forgivness i'm not God and I can't just forgive and forget. I know that the time i've spent on my knees praying, crying, cursing, and everything in between is necessary. I know it's got to be done all of these issues will need to be addressed between the two of us. Big changes are coming for our relationship I hope and pray the Lord will lead Phillip down the right path I pray he will instill him a righteous heart and a heart of forgiveness. Yes a heart of forgivness he will need to find a way to forgive himself for what he's done before he can move forward. He has a lot of work to do as well. As for me i'm trying to heal i'm trying to find a non destructive path through this barren landscape. I hope what they say is true and the grass will be greener on the other side. I can't help but think this may be the catalyst that is needed to forge a closer, tighter, more stable relationship between the two of us. Maybe that is wishful thinking and maybe the outcome will not be what I want but as my Granny always says "no need to borrow trouble today has enough of it's own". Having a hopeful outlook and being as positive as I can be has always served me well in the past here's to hoping it serves me well in the present and the future.