My parents have been married a long time. I know it was not always easy, I know because they had no problem arguing in front of us and we were witness to quite a few knock down drag out fights some resulting in all of us kids climbing out a bedroom window to go stay the night at a hotel or motel. I can remember being scared everytime that this was the one that would result in us splitting our time between two homes. As i got older and was able to reason on a deeper level I began to wish that my mom would just leave him already so we could have peace for once. I never realized full and in depth just how much hurt and willpower and divine forgiveness for my dad my mom had to go through to keep her family together.
Now I find that i'm in a situation where I am facing the same decisions she had to face. To forgive and move forward together as a couple or to leave and pick up the pieces on my own. Phillip has done a lot of not nice things to me in the past but I've always been able to search my heart and search the word of God and find forgiveness. I've always made the effort to work it out to find a way to keep my family together. Now he has done something that even the Lord says is grounds for divorce and I can not find it my heart to forgive. My heart is so broken my soul is seriously damaged and I do not think I can find a way to keep it all together. I struggle everyday to put a good face on in front of my kids to not let them know how bad things are but i'm taking a lot of showers so I can cry. I'm unable to eat and unable to sleep because the thought of what he did makes me ill it makes me sick to my stomach and when I close my eyes to sleep I see the pictures and the videos and the nightmares begin. I am so hurt so fucking hurt and so so so angry!!! when I think of all the work and all of the help financial and otherwise and all of the time that i've spent on this relationship and this marriage and all the times i've swallowed my own pride and put his well being before mine I just want to SCREAM!!!!!
I have never felt pain like this before it emotional and physical and soul-aching. The worst part of it all is he's not even sorry. Oh yeah he said the words that he was sorry and he said he didn't want a divorce but is he willing to do what it takes to fix what he broke?! NO! He is liar, a two timing liar and a killer of the heart and I wish he would get hit by a bus. I wish the Lord would take vengeance on my behalf and make him hurt as much as he's hurt me. I am so mixed up and confused and hurt and angry. I go back and forth between rage and sadness and numbness. On one hand I wish I had never found those videos and pictures I wish I was ignorant and everything could be like it was and on the other hand I wish all of this ugliness was behind me and I could just skip this whole thing and be on the other side.
I feel so humilated and STUPID!!!! I feel like a fat ugly loser. And then I hate him for making me feel that way and I hate that because if his bad choices my life is the one that is affected by it and I hate him for doing this to our kids. I do not know how to deal with all these emotions i'm not used to feeling this kind of hate for anyone least of all the person I promised to spend the rest of my life with.
Oh God I do not know what your plan for my life is or where i'm supposed to go from here. If a person hurts this much shouldn't they be dead from it? I talked to a counselor on the phone yesterday she suggested I get this book called After the Affair but just between you me and the fence post I don't really care to read anything right now. I'm pretty tired of people telling me that I have to find a way to forgive him. I don't want to fogive him I don't want to have anything to do with him and I for damn sure don't want to think anything nice about him. He thinks he can text me flirty texts on the phone and i'll just crumble and take him back. WRONG and it's insulting that he thinks telling me i'm hot or telling me i'm so great is going to be enough to make me forgive him. He has a lot to be responsible for and unless he's willing to own his mistake and do what it takes EVERYTHING it takes his lying ass can just stay gone!!!
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