I spoke to Phillip on the phone last night after the boys both went to bed. I thought about not taking his phone call and being petty and mean but luckily for him I had just finished praying and talking to God. I knew that if I wanted to heal my own heart and find some comfort in my own mind I would need to take the hight road. That doesn't mean I let him off easy by any means but I think or at least I hope that i've moved past the "gut reaction" phase and into "think before you speak" phase of my anger and grief. I know because I've talked a counselor that there is a lot of work inside myself that has to be done. I know that if he is serious about making this marriage work and is truly sorry for what he did then he is going to have to spend a long time proving with his actions and his words that he is worthy of my trust and love. So he called and after the fifth ring I had the courage to pick up the phone and talk to him. I said a silent prayer to Jesus that he would give me the wisdom and words to help and heal and not to destroy and hurt. I prayed that the Holy Spirit would take control of my thoughts words and deeds and that no matter what when I hung up this phone I would know that I had done the right and said the right thing. In other words I shoved my Pride as far down as I could and I put my children in the front of my mind and prepared to be assertive and not combative. Having him out of the house for the past few days has certaintly helped me to work through a lot of the negative emotions and being able to talke to him without having to see him was a blessing in disguise.
He started the conversation off with trying to be a flirt and I told him that I honestly don't know how to take that. I told him that because of his actions and his choices I can't believe anything he says even if it's just "i'm going to the store to buy milk". I was calm and collected and not an emotional wreck over the phone. It's lovely when God answers your prayers like immiedatly haha. I have to say that as much I may not like him right now and even at timeshate him this time apart has shown me that it is still him that I want a marriage with and it is still him that I want to share my life with. He of course is not going to hear this from me yet...after all this is all still so new and i'm still processing and dealing with the after effects of the nuclear fall out. This realization is for me and me alone and it serves to strengthen my resolve in the darkest times. Knowing that for myself helps to make me more willingly to talk to him and it even helps to make me more inclined to seek counseling. We talked for about two hours at first he tried to defend what he did to me but after about 30 minutes of me explaining to him that there is not excuse for what he did and that his trying to excuse was insulting to say the least he seemed to have caught on that he wasn't going to sweet talk his way out of this situation and he started to man up.
I told him how what he did made me feel about myself and I explained to him that no one should ever be made to feel that way about themselves especially not from the person that says they Love you and wants to spend the rest of thier lives with you. I had a few choice words for the "other" woman and to his credit he didn't try to defend her to me. I defintly did most of the talking and he did most of the apologizing which in my not so humble opinion is exactly as it should have been. I can say that when I hung up that phone I felt stronger and more in control of myself and my emotions for the first time in days I was able to sleep without nightmares and I even managed to eat a piece a fruit and keep it down. Yeah I know it's still dark days ahead but now at least I have a tiny bit of hope that maybe just maybe I can come out of this situation a better mom a better person and with enough counseling even maybe a better marriage.
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