lying cheating bastard say what??

Ok so I watch a lot of Disney channel Gavin is in boy love with Hannah Montana thus the title of this post. The cat is out of the bag I told phillip I was going to see a lawyer to file for divorce. I had to tell him since the lease is up in June and obviously we won't be living here another year..this momma can't afford this rent on her own. Long story short he did not believe me at first...until the lawyer called the house to schedule a follow up appointment with me. Then you should have seen his face..I'm pretty sure a light breeze would have knocked him over. I will never understand how people can be so manipulative, and demeaning, and rude and then be surprised when people stand up to them. I'm like really?? you're surprised? why? Unlike you I do not tell lies to manipulate you into getting what I want. Unlike you divorce is not a joke to me or something to be thrown around as a threat everytime I don't like what you have to say to me. So now he is afraid..he is scared that I will take the boys away from him forever and move back to louisiana, and I have to say the thought did cross my mind, I told him just because you didn't do marriage well doesn't mean we have to divorce worst. I told him I think he's a good dad and I think he genuinely cares for his kids and because of that I wouldn't harm my own children by taking them away from him. I told him his actions in the next few months will determine what course of action I seek in custody. I told him the gloves come off..that spitfire, strong willed woman that you supposedly fell in love, yeah well I rediscovered her so hold onto your britches because the person that would do anything to keep her marriage together while you played games behind her back is gone, G-O-N-E.
right now he is sucking up to me...as in waaayyy sucking up to me...but I know this tactic. First you abuse then you apologize and suck up..yep been there done that got the lousy t-shirt. I told him he could be as nice as he wanted but unless he had a real, solid, concrete reason why I should give him even a second thought he was just wasting his time. We are keeping our conversations to late at night while the kids are asleep because hellooo don't need to traumatize them anymore than necessary. I told him he was just perpetuating the exact same kind of abuse that his own parents put each other and him through when he was a kid, that unless and until he was ready to accept his wrong doing and actually get some help ON HIS OWN because i'm done wasting my time and effort on him, that I was not interested. I told him I didn't leave home at 16 to escape an abusive dad and go through years of therapy to break my own cycle of abuse to be someone else's victim. He rolled his eyes and did a lot of huffing and puffing and I told him "see that action right there is what lets me know that you not only don't care for me as a person, but you have no respect for the sanctity of marriage or what how to treat another person". He stopped blabbering after that. I prayed for days and fasted this whole weekend and spent it in prayer and the word asking the Lord to give me the words to heal and not to harm. I don't know if it worked..but I felt healed, I felt that I had taken back some of what his actions had stolen from me. I still feel lost in the desert and I still feel disoriented and defeated but now I can lay the responsability of where it belongs and that in and of itself is a sort of freedom.
So Phillip has asked that I hold off on filing for divorce that I give him a few months to go through therapy and see if he can change for the better. Problem for me is i've already been down this path with him and he didn't take it seriously, it's a lot like dealing with an addict, they will try rehab unsuccessfully many times before it sticks. I told him I wasn't comfortable with that idea..that I believed that until I made good on my promise to leave he would never take me or this marraige seriously and that if by getting a divorce means that he gets serious about getting help then I was prepared to do that. I told him I wasn't so sure there was a reconciliation in our future because once you've pushed me to that limit there really truly is no going back for me. Up till that point i'm a very flexible person, I will work with you and forgive you, and move on from there but once you've crossed the line you've crossed and there is no going back..that's when the rigid, iron-willed, independant woman that I am rears her ugly head and puts you down and out. So will I forgive him for what's he done to me? yeah probably but not for his sake, i'll forgive him for my own sake and for my children's sake. Simply put forgiving him means that bitterness does not have a chance to take root in my sould and spread like a weed, it means that I can take the moral high ground and know that the Lord is in me and that his love is shining through me and that my children will not be as traumatized as an ugly knock down drag out divorce can be. So yeah for my sake and my childrens sake I'll find a way to forgive him and until then we'll just have to fake it till we make it.