360

Here I am again. This blog is becoming my repository for all things negative which is not what i intended to be. I just have so much that has happened to me in such a short amount of time I feel like i've been hit with a tsunami. In February Phillip confessed to cheating on me. Now in May i've found that he has betrayed me again. Not in the same sense but a betrayal just the same. I am heartsore and weary. I can not even talk or think about what he has done without wanting to be sick and throw up. My good friend Mary a christian woman that my own kids refer to as Grandma Mary asked me what was wrong and i could not even open my mouth and speak the words. All I could do was sit there like a loser and cry and stare off into space. The worst part of the whole situation is the fear. Fear of being a single mother with two little children, fear of how i'll provide for them financially, fear of where we will live and how we will live, fear of the effect it will have them psychologically and emotionally, fear of what other people will say about me behind my back, just fear..crippling and over riding fear. I have contacted a family attorney talked to him and made an appointment to come in and see him. Already a mere few days after the discovery of the new betrayal i'm second guessing every decision i've ever made in life. I'm desperatly seeking to know what God's plan is. Does he intend for me to get divorced? Is this the plan for my life? Was i ever intended to marry him in the first place or did I not listen to God and screw this whole thing up?
There are all these questions that need to be answered.
Where will we live?
How will i afford it?
Who will take care of my children while i'm at work?
How will I afford childcare?
Then there's the personal questions. How did I get here? Was I looking too hard to find someone that wasn't physically abusive, an alcoholic, or a drug addict like my own dad that I completly missed the signs of another kind of abuse? How did I get to a place where I feel so bad about who I am that any scrap of affection from someone else was worth the degredation and humiliation that i've endured? How did I end up with someone that sees nothing wrong with malicious gossip about his own wife, that thinks of her as a joke and her dreams and ambitions as stupid. Then I wonder if i'm over reacting..was he "just venting" like he says and did those other people take it upon themselves to cross the line with thier own hateful words? But then if that's the case then why didn't he as my husband put them in their place and tell them to knock it off? Why would he continue a friendship with people that have so little respect for his wife and by extension his marriage and family? Why when I confront him about it does he not apologize for it but instead seek to turn it all around and make it my fault. How is it my fault that he chose to spread lies about me to his "friends" and then engage in bashing me in one of the most malicious verbal attacks that i've endured since I left home.
Even now he is acting like nothing is wrong..like we never had this discussion, like he never told me to "just get over it" and that he would cheat on me again if he felt like it would improve his financial situation.
It all comes back to fear. I'm so afraid my children will hate me for not staying with thier dad..and i'm afraid that they won't see that I put forth so much effort to save it only to find out that he was never taking it seriously to begin with.
I'm just so afraid!!