This week has been on heck of a roller coaster. First we went to the bank to get a loan for a new car. I found out my credit is way better than my husbands but also found out that a cheap car payment is 275 dollars a month!! At this point that is just not something I can sign off on so disheartened we left. Then a friend of mine Elizabeth has a dad that fixes and sells cars and he had a five speed saturn that he would sell to us for 500 dollars..that was a hight point. First I got to drive out and see my friend and secondly we got a car we could actually afford and no car payment. That was a hight point..when we got home that evening I checked my phone messages and found out that I was selected for an interview for a very nice job that I really thought I had no chance of getting...another hight point but now a question..how to make it to this interview without anyone at work finding out that I have it? I know what your asking yourself dear reader and all i can say is there is a ton of politics involved. A tiny bit of back story may help you understand. This is by no means the first upgraded position i've applied for. I have, upon further review, applied for no less than 30 positions with the college in the last five years that i've held my position in this particular office. All of those positions I was more than qualified for and I recieved not one invitation to interview for any of them. At first I believed it was a "who you know" not what you know thing until a coworker of mine clued me into a little story. It was at that point that I began to suspect that my supervisor was conspiring against me to keep in the position I was in. On the suggestion of same coworker I applied for this upgraded position at another campus without my supervisors knowledge and lo and behold I was granted an interview. So you can see where, if not fully understand, where my trepidation came from. I was afraid if I told my supervisor that I had an interview yesterday afternoon she would find a reason to not give me the time. I was nerve wracked for many reasons. First because I had not interviewed for a position for many years, secondly it was during normal work hours, and thirdly I am a completely bad liar. Seriously I have trouble even playing hooky from work because of the guilt involved in calling in..I usually just give up and go in to work because the guilt of trying to come up with an excuse to play hooky is too great. So for all of those reasons I was both elated and terrified of getting that call for the interview. It worked out, by God's plan i'm sure, that my supervisor was off campus at meeting all day yesterday and so I was able to work out a deal with my coworker to take my lunch hour at the end of the day and go to that interview.
I felt like a child stealing from the cookie jar the entire time I was on my way to the Forest Park campus and was nervous just going into the interview. I was not in a good place mentally as i'm sure can all imagine. What followed was the longest half hour of my life and the toughtest interview I've ever sat through. I did my best to be honest and straightforward and just be myself which is hard to do when you are that nervous. My hands were shaking so bad I was afraid they could hear my jewlery clinking together as I sat and shorthanded a memo and then wrote it out as a mock memo to send out to the entire department as a whole. I was very sure I had bombed that interview and so saw not point in notifing my supervisor that there had been anything out of the ordinary.
As I was sitting at my desk enjoying a normal day at the office putting out fires with one crisis student after another my phone rang. I picked it up and asked the person on the other line if they would mind holding as i had another student ahead of them. When I finished with that student i picked up the other line only to realize, thanks to caller i.d., that it was the Dean of the department for which I had interviewed for that I had put on hold!!! Thinking that she was calling to tell me that I did not get the job I started running through my polite responces and thank you for the call only to have her ask if I could meet with her Friday morning at 10 a.m. for a second interview!! I was floored!! All i could think to say was "my supervisor is in a meeting would be all right if I called you back to confirm". Turns out that was the right answer to give as she was impressed that I didn't just ditch my job to go to an interview. She was very polite and we hung up and I sat there giddy with the success of scoring a second interview and plagued with trepidation on what to do now! I had no choice I would have to go in there and explain to my current supervisor that I had gone on an interview for another job yesterday. I tried dear reader honestly I did to work up the courage to go in there and spill the beans..is it my fault that she was in such a bad mood from her meeting? Or that she was pressed for time? I felt terrible for asking for the time off and when it came time to tell her I totally chickened out. I'm not proud of this moment I was weak and scareed that she would tell me no so instead I asked her if I couild take my lunch early tomorrow morning to take care of a personal issue. She seemed upset at first and asked me if it would interfere with the normal operation of the front desk. I told her no. She then asked if any of my coworkers would also be off tomorrow and I told no not at that time. Kelly had an eye doctors appointment but that wasn't till 2:20 in the afternoon. I could tell she didn't want to give me the time or let me move my lunch hour so I sat with baited breath thinking of all the excuses I could use to make this happen when she finally said yes i could go. Keep in mind I didn't tell her i was applying for this job or that this was the second interview or any of those things. I jumped up out of my chair and left as fastas I could before she could change her mind. I was assured by my coworker that this was the best solution and yet I feel plagued with guilt for lying. yes I realize it's not technically a lie but yet it is. it's a lie of omission and that is a lie just the same. I should be sleeping and getting a good nights rest so that I can be my best at this interview tomorrow and yet here I sit with a heavy heart and upest mind unable to do either. I haven't eaten since I got that call and truth to tell I have no appetite.
I have so many worries running through my head..what if they offer me the job and I totally fail at it and they let me go? What if i'm not as prepared for this job as they think I am. What if I get the job only to fail so badly that I make everyone miserable?? The alternative is that I don't get the job and my boss never finds out that I went on that interview and I'm still stuck in that same positoin. A position that is "somewhat" safe because no one really expects a lot from me. A position that has no chance of failure because there's nothing to fail at. A job that while sometimes rewarding is just as frustrating and really doesn't provide my family with the financial stability that we need to truly LIVE and not just survive from month to month. I know I have to face this fear and I know I have to at least try if not for my own sake for the sake of my children so that they can see that even when things are tough and scary and seem too big to tackle God is there to give us Eagle's wings and all we have to do is Trust in Him. I have to be this example to them but dear reader this is one of the hardest things i've had to do as a mother. This is when my actions must speak louder than my words and I must trust the Lord that he has mine and my families best intentions at heart.
Dear reader if I make it through tomorrow unscathed I will be so relieved I may just pass out! I will also be looking forward to the Moms Night In luau as a pressure valve to help ease the ups and downs of this week.
I would ask that you all wish me luck but I don't believe in it..instead I'll ask that Lords will and not mine be done tomorrow.
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