Shakespeare once said "know thyself" and I believe it was in the same in the same play Hamlet that he also wrote "To thine own self be true". Now obviously you have to know yourself to be true to yourself and in if you wanted to update that to modern lingo it could all be summed up by saying to be self aware. As a human being on this great spinning globe in the milky way it's almost nigh impossible know yourself without also knowing those around you and being aware of all the environment and biological impacts that help to shape and mold and change you as a person. I'm an introvert so I spend a lot of time inside my own head trying to get to know myself. I'm not even halfway close to understanding me let alone the motivations of others on this planet. As a writer I spend a lot of time trying to figure these things out so that I can build characters and worlds where I want to live. People watching is one of my favorite past times. I love to play a game with myself where I'll pick out two people and imagine what their story is. Maybe they're past lovers meeting by accident in a coffee shop and all of the "what ifs" come cropping up and they make that connection again and move on to get married. Maybe they're in the middle of a divorce and both people are struggling trying to remember who they are without the other one. There are so many stories out there that I feel as if I could write till my last breath and never have written them all. Sometimes that thought excites me and sometimes it overwhelms me but in every case I can't help but write down my impressions and think that one day those strangers will end up in one of my stories.
Know yourself. It's tricky to know yourself. How do you go about it? Do you trust what you believe to be true about yourself or do you rely on the feedback you get from those outside of yourself? How do you know yourself when yourself is a compilation of so many varied and twisted different elements. Is it possible to know yourself at all when faced with all of those elements. I don't now but I've started a writing project that will hopefully help me to at least rediscover my past self. A story about a young girl whose family is constantly on the move and the imagination or her "secret place" in her own mind that she so often retreats to. I may not know myself as I am today but I know that little girl. She was me, to some extent she still is me. Maybe to understand the me that exists today I need to go back and re-discover the me that was.
Thursday, May 8, 2014
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
Imagination Rocks and sometimes rolls..downhill..through the mud
I've been told that as an Indie Author it's important to keep a blog. It helps with the writing everyday and it lets your readers get to know you on a more personal level. I'm not sure anyone really wants to get to know me on a personal level. Hell I don't want to get to know me on a personal level and I have to live inside my own head. I apologize to my readers before hand and I hope you won't judge my stories based on the insanity that runs rampant through my mind.
This morning on the way to work I caught myself chasing the white rabbit down the rabbit hole in my mind. I was pulling into to get gas and realized I wasn't completely sure how I got there. It's as if when I get behind the wheel of a car my conscious mind shuts off and my imagination runs wild. Sometimes I pretend I'm trying to outrun the bad guys on Interstate 70. It's not like I just pretend and I'm still aware of other cars around me..it's more like my imagination is in the drivers seat and my subconscious has taken over. Other time I'll hear a song on the radio and pretend that I'm some smoky, lounge club singer, who has secret powers that she has to keep hidden from the world or else they'll lock her away in a lab or try to use her for evil purposes. Still other times I'm just so wrapped up in whatever story I'm writing or book that I'm reading that I can't shut it off and though I'm driving home and I know the way I'm completely on auto-pilot. I think this means that I'm not a safe driver.
Take today for instance, I was driving to work and remembered I needed to get gas. I found myself at the gas station not quite remembering how I got there. Why? Because I was daydreaming again this time about a series of books I had just recently read by another Indie Author Heather Killough-Walden's Big Bad Wolf series. I was so totally gone over her world and I was imagining myself as a character in one of her books. I think I'd love to be painted as one of the Queens from the Kings series which is a spin off of the Big Bad Wolf Series. I could totally see myself as the Shadow Queen, I look good in black! This is why I was on autopilot this morning. Had I had my head in the right place i.e. the here and now I might not have tripped over the gas hose and gone sprawling across the pavement. This necessitated a return trip home to change clothes before heading into work. This made me late to work, which made my co-worker anxious and chatty which annoyed me further. Imagination gone horribly wrong.
It's o.k. to be a dreamer the world needs us as much as they need innovators and philanthropists and teachers and all the other types of people that make living on this planet tolerable. It's maybe not so o.k. to dream so often that you never wake up.
This morning on the way to work I caught myself chasing the white rabbit down the rabbit hole in my mind. I was pulling into to get gas and realized I wasn't completely sure how I got there. It's as if when I get behind the wheel of a car my conscious mind shuts off and my imagination runs wild. Sometimes I pretend I'm trying to outrun the bad guys on Interstate 70. It's not like I just pretend and I'm still aware of other cars around me..it's more like my imagination is in the drivers seat and my subconscious has taken over. Other time I'll hear a song on the radio and pretend that I'm some smoky, lounge club singer, who has secret powers that she has to keep hidden from the world or else they'll lock her away in a lab or try to use her for evil purposes. Still other times I'm just so wrapped up in whatever story I'm writing or book that I'm reading that I can't shut it off and though I'm driving home and I know the way I'm completely on auto-pilot. I think this means that I'm not a safe driver.
Take today for instance, I was driving to work and remembered I needed to get gas. I found myself at the gas station not quite remembering how I got there. Why? Because I was daydreaming again this time about a series of books I had just recently read by another Indie Author Heather Killough-Walden's Big Bad Wolf series. I was so totally gone over her world and I was imagining myself as a character in one of her books. I think I'd love to be painted as one of the Queens from the Kings series which is a spin off of the Big Bad Wolf Series. I could totally see myself as the Shadow Queen, I look good in black! This is why I was on autopilot this morning. Had I had my head in the right place i.e. the here and now I might not have tripped over the gas hose and gone sprawling across the pavement. This necessitated a return trip home to change clothes before heading into work. This made me late to work, which made my co-worker anxious and chatty which annoyed me further. Imagination gone horribly wrong.
It's o.k. to be a dreamer the world needs us as much as they need innovators and philanthropists and teachers and all the other types of people that make living on this planet tolerable. It's maybe not so o.k. to dream so often that you never wake up.
Monday, August 19, 2013
The first day of Class
It's the first day of school. Take a moment and think about what that means to you. Think back to the days when you were younger. What were your back to school traditions? What rituals did you stick to as a family? I often think the first day of school to me was so magical and special because we moved so often as a family that being the "new kid" was the norm rather than the exception. Each new school was a chance to be someone else, to try on a different persona and see if that one was a better fit. A new school was a mystery that I couldn't wait to investigate. Would the teachers be nice or mean? Would the kids be accepting or stand offish? If they were stand offish how would I get them to warm up to me? A thousand and one questions would play through my head in the weeks following up to the new school year. Hundreds of different scenarios would run between my siblings and I as we tried to guess what could possibly go wrong or right and how we would successfully navigate our way through the first few weeks of school.
In a family that was constantly on the move school was a wonderful constant. It didn't matter what state we were in at the time the first day of school heralded a break from the constant travel. My mother was adamant that we "stay put" long enough to finish out a school year. For one glorious academic year we didn't have to live out of suitcases or the trunk of our car. We had regular schedules with regular meals. There was an old familiar rhythm that would settle over the Willis household with the First Day of School. Everyone would wake up at the same time, stumble to the single bathroom and take turns brushing our teeth, washing our faces, and then stumble back out again to dress for school. That first day of school you always wore your very best clothes "church clothes" my mother would say. You would get up extra early to have your hair brushed and braided by momma and with six girls she did a lot of brushing and braiding on that first day of school. I would wait with Christmas Eve anticipation for that first morning on the first day of school knowing that I would get to wear my new shoes and carrying my new back pack with it's new pencils and pens and notebooks. We were never wealthy or even a section of middle class so for us anything new was cause to celebrate and Back to School Shopping instilled in me a Christmas like fervor but better than Christmas because there was never any let down at the end. I came to be enamored of the first day of school. It was bright and full of promise with shiny new things just for me.
I loved school. Not just because it was a brief end to the constant moving, or the new shoes and school supplies but because at school your background didn't matter. Teachers were happy if you tried and participated. You got rewarded for the work you put in and being kind and helpful was expected and encouraged. Being the middle child of a large and transient family you can imagine how special it was for me to be recognized as an individual and not passed over or ignored. I believe this is where my passion to succeed academically came from. I craved the acknowledgment that came from earning high marks on assignments and being the "good kid" in class.
The first day of class holds shiny new promise. This has always been true for me even now as I've chosen education as my career path in life I look forward to the first day of school. At 35 years old this day still evokes in me a sense of promise, hopefulness, and a renewing of the spirit of inquisitiveness of the mind and the seeking of the soul. I have children of my own now and I see in their eyes the same sparkle and excitement for the first day of school. This makes my heart smile and my soul sing.
Hurrah for the first day of school. Hurrah for the busyness of the day and the lines and the questions and the lost ones who seek. Hurrah for the mystery and the magic of new classes and teachers. Hip Hip Hooray for back to school jams and meet the teacher nights, for parent conferences and science fairs. I say three cheers for new backpacks, shoes and shiny new pens and pencils. Huzzah for homework and goals that are met and challenges exceeded. Bring on recess and lunch rooms with kind (or not so kind) lunch ladies. Applause for the PTO and the PTA for departmental meetings and service days, class room parties and school rivalries.
In a family that was constantly on the move school was a wonderful constant. It didn't matter what state we were in at the time the first day of school heralded a break from the constant travel. My mother was adamant that we "stay put" long enough to finish out a school year. For one glorious academic year we didn't have to live out of suitcases or the trunk of our car. We had regular schedules with regular meals. There was an old familiar rhythm that would settle over the Willis household with the First Day of School. Everyone would wake up at the same time, stumble to the single bathroom and take turns brushing our teeth, washing our faces, and then stumble back out again to dress for school. That first day of school you always wore your very best clothes "church clothes" my mother would say. You would get up extra early to have your hair brushed and braided by momma and with six girls she did a lot of brushing and braiding on that first day of school. I would wait with Christmas Eve anticipation for that first morning on the first day of school knowing that I would get to wear my new shoes and carrying my new back pack with it's new pencils and pens and notebooks. We were never wealthy or even a section of middle class so for us anything new was cause to celebrate and Back to School Shopping instilled in me a Christmas like fervor but better than Christmas because there was never any let down at the end. I came to be enamored of the first day of school. It was bright and full of promise with shiny new things just for me.
I loved school. Not just because it was a brief end to the constant moving, or the new shoes and school supplies but because at school your background didn't matter. Teachers were happy if you tried and participated. You got rewarded for the work you put in and being kind and helpful was expected and encouraged. Being the middle child of a large and transient family you can imagine how special it was for me to be recognized as an individual and not passed over or ignored. I believe this is where my passion to succeed academically came from. I craved the acknowledgment that came from earning high marks on assignments and being the "good kid" in class.
The first day of class holds shiny new promise. This has always been true for me even now as I've chosen education as my career path in life I look forward to the first day of school. At 35 years old this day still evokes in me a sense of promise, hopefulness, and a renewing of the spirit of inquisitiveness of the mind and the seeking of the soul. I have children of my own now and I see in their eyes the same sparkle and excitement for the first day of school. This makes my heart smile and my soul sing.
Hurrah for the first day of school. Hurrah for the busyness of the day and the lines and the questions and the lost ones who seek. Hurrah for the mystery and the magic of new classes and teachers. Hip Hip Hooray for back to school jams and meet the teacher nights, for parent conferences and science fairs. I say three cheers for new backpacks, shoes and shiny new pens and pencils. Huzzah for homework and goals that are met and challenges exceeded. Bring on recess and lunch rooms with kind (or not so kind) lunch ladies. Applause for the PTO and the PTA for departmental meetings and service days, class room parties and school rivalries.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
I'm editing leave me alone!!!
I know i'm at work and it's my job to answer the phone when it rings but it's still annoying to be interrupted! Too bad I can't just work in a cubby hole.
Write a scene with a dad in it
That's the problem...my own dad was largely absent most of my life and when he did show up it was never any good. So how do I write a scene with a dad in it that isn't total crap? This would be so much easier if it were to write a scene with a mom in it..LOL.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Nobody reads this anway
I have PCOS. The next question I'm usually asked is "what is PCOS?" What is PCOS? It's more common than most people realize and it's still very unknown. PCOS stands for Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome, it used to be known in the medical field as Poly Cystic Ovarian Disorder but for some reason the medical gods decided to change the name to Syndrome. Whether they call it Syndrome or Disorder it's the same suckiness from start to finish. What I've found from talking with other women who have PCOS is that symptoms are different from one person to the next and the treatments vary as well as diagnoses. Yes no one doctor can agree on how to diagnose PCOS, this is a contributing factor to many women being mis-diagnosed or not diagnosed sooner. One common belief, even among medical professionals, is that PCOS causes infertitility. This CAN be true but is not ALWAYS true. It seems to depend on the severity of your PCOS whether or not it will cause infertility. For instance I know myself, and at least two other women who were able to conceive with PCOS. Another common belief is that all women suffer from the same secondary symptoms of the disorder. What are the secondary symptoms? They are myriad and vary in intensity here is a list of secondary symptoms:
Did you just read that list and say to yourself "well gee I've had all of those at one point in time or another", yeah most women will experience all of those symptoms throughout their lifetime, what sets a PCOS person aside from everyday women is the severity and frequency of all of those symptoms together. Someone with PCOS will experience all or most of those symptoms on a regular basis. Now remember ladies and gentleman THERE IS NO SINGLE TEST TO DIAGNOSE PCOS! Only a doctor can diagnose PCOS and each one has a different way of doing it. I've heard of women whose doctors sent them to Endocrinologists for a hormone panel, doctors who have done blood testing right in their own office, doctors who use sonography on the ovaries to determine if a patient has PCOS, I've even heard of a Dermatologist diagnosing a patient with PCOS. What I'm trying to say is that this disease is just as varied as the women who have it.
- Irregular periods also called Oligomenorrhea
- Weight gain, Overweight (difficulty losing weight)
- Difficulty losing weight
- Excess hair growth on face and body- calledHirsutism
- Darkened patches of skin
- Infertility
- Thinning hair
- High cholesterol and high triglycerides
- High blood pressure
- Cysts on the ovaries (multiple)
- Pelvic pain
- Depression
- Anxiety
- Sleep apnea (when breathing stops for a short period of time while asleep)
- Decreased sex drive
- Increase in stress levels
Did you just read that list and say to yourself "well gee I've had all of those at one point in time or another", yeah most women will experience all of those symptoms throughout their lifetime, what sets a PCOS person aside from everyday women is the severity and frequency of all of those symptoms together. Someone with PCOS will experience all or most of those symptoms on a regular basis. Now remember ladies and gentleman THERE IS NO SINGLE TEST TO DIAGNOSE PCOS! Only a doctor can diagnose PCOS and each one has a different way of doing it. I've heard of women whose doctors sent them to Endocrinologists for a hormone panel, doctors who have done blood testing right in their own office, doctors who use sonography on the ovaries to determine if a patient has PCOS, I've even heard of a Dermatologist diagnosing a patient with PCOS. What I'm trying to say is that this disease is just as varied as the women who have it.
PCOS is very common it affect 1 out of 15 women and yet the many women can go for years being mis-diagnosed or un-diagnosed all together. PCOS usually begins to show up in the teen years and many doctors refer to it as "progressive" syndrome, meaning it starts out with milder symptoms in your late mid to late teens and gets progressively worse as the woman gets older.
PCOS can be treated with a combination of birth control and metformin (glucophase). This is the generally accepted form of medical treatment for most women with PCOS. The birth control helps control the hormone imbalance and the glucophase helps control the Insulin Resistance or IR for short. Medical Treatment can vary depending on the patients goals and outcomes they want to achieve, for example is the patient considering pregnancy, menopausal, or does not want to conceive. For more information on the different types of treatments depending on where you are in your life I highly recommend the website http://www.pcosfoundation.org/types-of-treatment. Since there is no cure for PCOS a woman diagnosed with it should consult with her doctor early and often to discuss different types of treatment for different phases of her life. Lifestyle Modification will also go a long way toward helping alleviate a lot of the symptoms associated with PCOS. Here is a short list of Lifestyle Modification that you can consider and discuss with your doctor:
PCOS can be treated with a combination of birth control and metformin (glucophase). This is the generally accepted form of medical treatment for most women with PCOS. The birth control helps control the hormone imbalance and the glucophase helps control the Insulin Resistance or IR for short. Medical Treatment can vary depending on the patients goals and outcomes they want to achieve, for example is the patient considering pregnancy, menopausal, or does not want to conceive. For more information on the different types of treatments depending on where you are in your life I highly recommend the website http://www.pcosfoundation.org/types-of-treatment. Since there is no cure for PCOS a woman diagnosed with it should consult with her doctor early and often to discuss different types of treatment for different phases of her life. Lifestyle Modification will also go a long way toward helping alleviate a lot of the symptoms associated with PCOS. Here is a short list of Lifestyle Modification that you can consider and discuss with your doctor:
Lifestyle Modifications:
- Getting educated with nutrition- finding someone that specializes in PCOS or Diabetes
- Learning about nutrition labels
- Glycemic Index (GI and Glycemic Load (GL)) – learning the GI and GL
- Modifying your diet
- Eating and learning about well balanced meals
- Exercise- both cardiovascular and weight training
- Meditation for Anxiety, Breathing, Depression and Stress
- Non Smoking
Weight Loss:
- Medically supervised weight loss programs- General medical studies indicate that lowering weight can lower disease risk factors.
- Bariatric surgery- In some cases this surgical procedure may help women suffering and considered Obese. Check with your health care professional to see if this is right for you.
Alternative methods may include the following:
- Laser Hair removal
- Hormonal Treatments
- Vitamins and Minerals (best if gotten from a natural food source)
As you can see from the very small amount of information that I've touched on here in this blog entry Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome is not an easy, or straightforward disease. Each woman may experience different symptoms at different times in her life and may require separate treatments. The most important bit of advice I could give to a fellow PCOS "survivor" is to seek medical help as soon as you suspect you may have this disease and work to be pro-active about your health. It's your body and you only get one.
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